Time Gone By

So my baby is going to be two years old this Sunday, so I decided I would amp up this blog thing again...memories disappear, little sweet things are quickly forgotten, and I never want to forget a thing about my beautiful girl!
Two years ago today I was feeling kind of strange, my back was hurting, I was cramping, but I though, eh, just the end of a pregnancy, I still have a few weeks to go. Little did I know, my darling daughter was soon to be on her way! I remember the feeling of her moving inside of me, kicking me, moving to music, hiccups! It is strange to think that this little thing that lived inside of me, is now a walking, talking and an OPINIONATED little girl! I love seeing her express her own ideas, feelings, thoughts and passions. My little Delilah loves Little Einsteins, sings along with them, Binker Bell (Tinker Bell), Happy Cupcake to you!, Firetrucks, going fast, spinning, running, painting, chalk and various other exciting two year old things. Might I remind myself that when I ask her how old she is, she states she is three! I love it! She amazes me everyday. She is finally catching up in her weight, my 24lbs of baby! Long and lean. She adores going to Cheryl's house, her daycare provider and has many friends, despite her biting! Knowing that she can count to ten, sing her ABC's, knows her shapes, last name, Mommy and Daddy's name as well as the city she lives in blows my mind. She has seemed to adjust well to Daniel and my separation. Although this breaks my heart, and brings me great sadness that my daughter is a child of divorce, I know that her little heart is well loved and supported. She is not just adjusting, my baby is thriving!

I wish I could remember all the silly little things my baby says, but I would take up a whole blog with just her phrases! She is silly, sweet, serious, kind, loving, gentle, fun and life loving child. I am blessed.

whatever it is

My Lilah is sick this week with strep throat. It really is a nasty bug, mostly because as a mother of a child who cannot tell you where "ouch" is, my only clue is a fever. My darling bug was so sick and sad, so again, antibiotics. I love this little person so much, that when she is sick it is as if a part of me is ill too. She has go "whatever it is" so to speak that melts my heart.

We were planning as a family, to head to Monterey this weekend, however with the state of affairs among our little family's health, I believe we will have to pass on this. I believe this to be blessing in disguise. I believe that our family needs to slow down, and have sometime being together without having to go go go. God has seemingly been quiet in my life, or rather I have not been listening very well, so I suppose it is time, since he is now yelling, to slow down and pay attention again.


So whatever it is....we will accept, embrace, love and listen.....God, Spirit, Love, Peace, illness, sadness, happiness......

Where we have been

Life is busy, as it always has, but it seems as though my "free time" as definately been less in the last five months. I cannot believe how fast everything is going. All the parents I have known have always told me that time flys, and now I know what they mean. Lilah is now almost 14 months and talking and signing up a storm. She says the following words verbally:


NO! (VERY CLEAR!)
Baby
Ball
Baba(bottle)
more
Yotie(Grandma's Dog)
Papa
Mama
Dadda
Hiiiiiiiii
bye
uh-ohhhhhhhhh
wow
doggie
cat
tag
book
yesssssssssss
Lilah
Jess
Rob
Eyes
Mouth
back
ouch

My darling also uses signs like CRAZY. I am finding myself having to learn new signs every day.
All finished
More
Nurse ( of which she uses ALOT)
drink
eat
flower ( and uses it abstractly too! cute when she sniffs her nose)
please
fan (she uses this one for wind too)

I am loving everyday with her. She is getting so close to walking, she has taken only two steps at a time, but she has done this several times. It is so exciting to watch my daughter grow, and learn and absorb all that is around her.

Delilah is teaching me to take life in stride. Sometimes you fall down, and it is frustrating, and it is okay to cry or whine for a minute, but in the end, you have to get back up again and keep trying to walk.

Where oh where is Delilah Mae?

My Delilah, who is 9 months 3 weeks, 15lbs, 27.5 inches long, and healthy.


My Baby who loves her pals....



My Angel, who is the light of m life.

My stubborn, already displaying teenage-like
tendancies, cracks me up, I am in for a big one, daughter....

My Happy girl, who laughs so hard it makes me cry!
My Social Butterfly, who waits for strangers to acknowledge her, just so she can flirt!
My Curious Girl, who looks for silly things to amuse herself, all the while amusing me!

Chicks

I have found my girls. Acceptance into a circle of friends, without judgment, without fear, is an amazing feeling. There are three new friendships, three new life-lines, and they call themselves the chicks with sticks ( sticks meaning crochet!). I love them, these coffee chicks, they are everything I have always wanted, and NEEDED! We all went out the other night, a girls night out, and I had the time of my life! We wined and deserted, and we were treated like VIPs by a very, suave Moroccan man, the owner of the restaurant. We laughed so hard we cried! Some drank so much ( not a lot, just enough) I saw a side I never knew existed in them ( I LOVED IT!) and we talked, but all in good humor and with love, for each other, for sisterhood. Our bond is being women' being mothers, and being wives, and all that those things bring. It is a say anything kind of group, to speak what is on your mind and to expect completely honest feedback. I am blessed. Thank you to my Chicks.

I do not need my desires.

Someone said yesterday, actually at my Pastor's installation ceremony, that to find your balance your must first find your center. That resonated in my heart, and in my head, and I cannot stop thinking about it. It made me want to examine where I am out of balance in my life, and where is my center. The pastors were talking about being balanced in regards to creativity and gloom, but this is true in so many places in life. I realized I am out of balance with care for myself, and others, in addition to my needs over desires. So where is my center for these two things? Can I care for others while caring for myself, like a two-in-one? Are my desires really needs or are my needs my desires. Emotionally I am feeling fairly well balanced, which for me a BIG surprise, so since that is okay and I have found my center that way, I can now explore the scale in other areas. BUT HOW? How to I begin a quest of finding my center, a place that creates fluidity and stability, among desires and needs, among caring, service to others, and then to myself? I think, I need to break this all down.
My needs, my needs are basic, for is that what the word truly means? I have a need of shelter, a need of healthy food and clean water, I have a need of clothes ( enough for each day, and no more), I have a need to have quite, a need for company and love. I have a need for comfort, of my spirit and heart, I have need to be able to care for my daughter, and I have need to grow my marriage. These are only a few needs. So as I wrote this I started to think, do my desires out weight my needs? Yes, of course. My desire to have a new Prius, my desire to get a new mattress, my desire to redo our bedroom, my desire to by an all new wardrobe, etc and so forth. But I realize that my desires have NOTHING to do with furthering my love of life, they are THINGS! I really do not need any of my desires. Some may say that dreams fall into the category of desires, but I believe the opposite.I believe that my dreams create a need, a goal to better my life with a lot of hard work.
Now, caring for myself, in balance with caring for others, this is one I must meditate on, because finding a center of this is very hard for me. I tend to go to extremes for both, and although since I have had Delilah, I have become better about ask for time for myself, I tend to worry more about everyone else before myself. I realize I do this because it makes my heart happy to provide a sense of happiness, love, support, warmth for others, and when it is my time to turn that back on myself, I get lost. Strange how it is so easy to do this for someone else, but become so clueless when it is time to bring it back round home; so to speak. I am going to pray on this. Can you pray with me? Can you also see what is out of balance in your life that is in need of a center, because I believe if I have other people who can examine some of the same issues at the same time, it helps me reflect on myself...perhaps you can be my light?

AMEN, I'm Alive

I am finding myself facing forward and running as fast as I can into the next chapter of my life. My birthday is this week, and although I am not one for a big celebration, I realized that I have so much to be thankful for, and to embrace. I have been here on earth for twenty-something years, and although in the big picture of things, that is not a long time, I have experienced many things that the oldest of old have not. A lot of my life has been filled with trials, and it seems as though only in the last five years, I have had no real worries. Granted among those five years, I have suffered emotional pain, loss, and a fall from my God, but all that time I have felt loved, and loved myself. I have always looked at my life based on the saying that goes something like.. " you may have it hard, but remember someone always has it harder". I realize that despite the unpleasantness in my life, had it far worse that me.
As I go into this next year, I see all that has happened for me this last year and what is to come. I will be celebrating my second wedding anniversary, I will be celebrating my daughter's 1st birthday, we hopefully will be getting into a home at the end of the year, I am halfway though school come October, and I have no needs. I am also blessed to have made and maintained so many quality relationships this last year. Delilah has brought grace and tenderness into my life and brought out a part of me, that I love. Daniel, my love, he has stuck with me, even in my craziness, and still loves me and is an awesome father, even if he does try to get out of diaper duty! And my family, I am the richest woman in the world to have the family I have, I have THREE great families, whom are always there for me.
This week, my baby had her first overnight with her grandparents, she crawled twice, and has four teeth. I love you more than the sun and the stars, as Matthew West says!
So, Amen, I am alive and really living!