Class

Tonight was my first official start night of school. I am excited. It was great. So many great networking opportunities, so many new and exciting things are awaiting me on this journey. I decided today that I am going to create a "vision" board for myself. It is kind of what some would call an alter, or a focus point, mine is going to be all about my dream. I realize all of my dreams/prayers have been fulfilled so far, but where from here? I will tell you. I want to get my PH.D. in Clinical psychology. I want to raise Delilah with a home school type of attitude while providing a great social network, whether it be a Waldorf or non-traditional type of school, I want to focus on her learning style. I want and envision us as a family going on vacations, even if it just one town over. I envision bringing my family to the "top with me". I am excited about my board, and I will take photos. It will be a visual prayer so to speak, and this will help me to remember to say it all day every day.

Delilah did well, my Dad babysat her which is good for all of us. She was a little thrown off her schedule and Grandpa fed her a few more solids than she normally gets, but hey, she will survive. I am so grateful for him, and feel blessed that I have the family I have. They have allowed me to be able to go back to school and reach for my dreams.

Delilah taught me today that toes taste good. Now, I do not eat my toes, nor any one else except for hers, but what I have watched her do is go back for something that feels nice, something that is new and exciting and wonderful, and challenging. I want that. I want to taste "toes". Everyday Delilah is given the choice to choose the easy toy to grab or the hard toy, and inevitable she chooses the hard one. I believe that this is build into all of us, choose a challenge to learn that we can do it; yet I feel it lost as we grow, we are taught no, instead of yes, we are taught take the easy route in stead, even if the result will be the same as if the hard route was taken. We learn nothing from doing things the "easy way". It is only through mistakes and challenges that we learn new things, and find we might even enjoy a little "toe tasting" every now and again.

A Gymboree Day

Life gets crazy. Finally we are having some good craziness happen. I started school this last week. It was bitter sweet. My child, just this last week of course, starting having mommy separation anxiety, um hello, too early! So anyway, of course I had to leave her for school, which over all was great, and I am super excited to be embarking on this adventure. However knowing that my darling baby was at home with my husband crying most of the time was not too comforting. And this next week is my father's turn for her tears. Oh my heart aches, for her, for them, and for me. I am pretty sure it has to do with her teething, we have some pretty swollen gums happening on the bottom, but I know it can be awhile before we see anything happen. I realized today that this week my Delilah is going to be 5 months old already. 5 MONTHS! This is happening WAY too fast. I love every moment, but feel like I am loosing the time as well, it seems to slip away for quickly. She has started a new kind of talking, a very intentional, squeal type of talk. I love to hear her.

Yesterday Delilah and I met a mommy for a play date in the park. I had met Katya about 5 weeks prior in Starbucks, her little boy, Alexander, who is almost 2 was quite the cutie. He has bright blond hair and a Wallace and Gromit Smile. I love him so. Anyway he thought Delilah was great. Well at the time Katya was due to have a baby the next day, Catherine. And she too is beautiful. Katya is from Russia and came here for adoption when she was 13. It seemed as though we instantly connected. She is Christian Mom, but not to pushy, and so sweet, and relaxed. I loved getting to know her better yesterday, she is a wonderful Mom and a great new friend. Again I am blessed.

Today we went to Gymboree finally! She went to a level 1 class. We had a new teacher, Angelia. She seems very nice and the class was done exceptionally well. It was strange being there with my child. This is my turf, and it is so hard to not sing at the top of my lungs and jump ahead. I am learning to be a mommy instead of a teacher. So anyway, we signed up. Daniel had a great time with Delilah, he wanted to do the introduction and massage. It was fantastic. In her class there are three other boys, and it was very clear she was the only girl. Why? Because through out the class she was cooing and awing and YELLING! Everyone else was so quiet, and she was Ms. I am going to talk over my teacher and grab the attention. So funny. When it came time to the parachute I was not sure how things would go. Well, it was sheer amazement and happiness, of which I have photos. Of she loved it. And I loved that.

Delilah has taught me that I cannot get enough of her. In everything she does I find joy. Even her tears. I need her think often more than she needs me. There is a love so strong there are no such words to describe it. I have so much fun with her, everyday, we have a great time. I love that I can play and giggle and roll around with her. I love that I can cuddle and snuggle and watch a movie with her ( the movie is more of my sake....okay?). I love that when she is self sufficient I feel like I need her even more. I love that I know no matter what may come, this love will NEVER go away, and NEVER change.

Spinning Squirrel and The Banana Eater

So today was not such a good day. Delilah was all messed up with her sleep last night which totally threw today off. We got up early, and got ready to set out for our park date....and on the way ( of which I got lost! and did not make!) I hit my very first animal....a poor squirrel. There was NOTHING I could do, he ran under my car. I was/am heartbroken. OVER A SILLY Squirrel. Let me tell you, not a good way to start the day. In addition Delilah only slept 30 minutes today, she was all messed up from yesterday, which is now spilling to tomorrow since she just went down, 10 until midnight. She had a slight fever today, and a runny nose. I think she may seriously be teething. My poor baby. The worst thing is I cannot seem to comfort her. I love that little munchkin.

Delilah tried bananas today, with help from her Grand"smom". She loved them! I am not really feeding her solid food seriously yet, just a feeding or two every couple of days. More to help with weight per the pediatrician, but I still believe she gets most of her nutrition from breast milk at this point, and should! At around 6 months I will start regular feedings. Not to mention I do not think she really gets too much in her mouth yet at most of it lands on her clothes.

Nothing else new, just preparing for a weird day tomorrow as is our night began way too late. Delilah has taught me today that through breast feeding, that I can and need to slow down. Since she does not allow me to do anything other than watch her, or TV while feeding her, including talking on the phone, that cuts a lot of time out of my day, as I feed her on demand. And the best part is, I like it. I like that she is teaching me to slow down, shut off and shut up for awhile. After all does anything else in the world matter at that moment, I think not.

Foot in mouth and a wonderful date

So last night Daniel got to experience his "first" with Delilah. I feel so selfish because I get to spend all day with her so I see many firsts, where as Daniel gets the still new but not a first experience, definitely not as cool. Anyway, last night while he was bathing her she somehow figured out that she can get her toes into her mouth. It was the cutest thing ever! And I am so so so glad he could have the sheer excitement and joy of seeing her figure something new out! I love it. Now, much like her rolling over, it is non-stop tasty toes.

Daniel arranged for Delilah to stay with Lenore a little longer than usual tonight, and surprised me this week with a date. He took me to Stanford's in Walnut Creek, very nice! We had such a nice time. A good glass of wine, some tasty food and kisses, and nice donuts it was great! And as we were talking, the best part about it was going to pick up our daughter together, fully enjoying our time as a couple and then again as a family. I fall more and more in love with my husband. Yes there are times when we are not "close" but I never loose my love for him. There are even days when I do not like him that much, but I am the most blessed wife there is. I can never imagine my life, my heart with out him, my other half, the better half of me. We so needed time together, time just to be in love.

Today on my way around int he car, in between chores, I found myself in deep, very emotional prayer. Having the time in the car, by myself, with nothing but my thoughts and a little Third Day, I prayed like I haven't prayed in years. I wasn't sure at first what I was praying about, I just let go, let God... so to speak. I realized he has answered every one of my prayers, granted not in the ways I had imagined, not in the time I had expected, but that is what makes it so rich, so wonderful. And yet the sad part was I had not realized all of this until today. I am blessed, and still have so much to ask of God. But I guess that is the human part of me, the part that needs Him, always, and that is why He is there. I have chosen a path in the last year that has fears, a path that for the first time in my life is so responsible, so clear and healthy, and that is new to me, and scary, and I have doubts about it, but I know, just as God has done before, he will come through, carrying me now, just as He has done before.

Delilah has been teaching me lately to look deeper into things. That even if things are good on the surface, sometimes you need to pick the scab to help the wound heal. Sorry that was kind of gross. But what I mean is I am learning to look at thing close, to challenge my comfort zone. I love that Delilah is helping me to dig deeper into things that sometimes are too placid.

Walking in my Neighborhood

Today Delilah and I ventured not too far, for once. We took a nice, long walk in my neighborhood. And the "hood" part is right. This is the first place I have ever lived where I do not feel entirely safe walking at anytime of the day. What a way to live! Granted we even live in a better part of the city, but still. Maybe it is that maternal instinct or something, but I feel far more fearful than I ever have in my life and I am not a fearful person/

We walked the perimeter of our complex, with a friend, and then we went our own ways. I continued on further down the road. I walk and walk, hoping to stumble upon something nice, a hidden neighborhood or street. It did not happen. I want so desperately to want to walk close to home, to find a sanctuary outside to match the one I have created inside. But I cannot here and that makes me sad. I feel to blessed to have been raised in the small town where I grew up, even bad things felt removed. Then with each subsequent move I found a nice place to retreat too. But here I have not, and that is foreign. I see so much hatred and anger in this town. So much sadness and pain. Expressed through broken windows, graffiti houses, and drug deals...even in my own parking lot. My community is finally putting up gates, but sometimes the gates only keep the bad from leaving, not always from getting in. I love our apartment, I feel like it is such a bright and peaceful place, most of the time. But then again I fear that something will go haywire on the street and we will be hurt. Silly to think this way, and I never would have thought this way before Delilah, but it changes when you are protecting another life.

I don't usually mind taking the car and going somewhere for a walk, I do that often, but it would be nice to feel as if I had the option to find a nice walk close to home.

I feel as if I am finally finding the me time I have needed. I started scrap booking Delilah's book. It is so nice, even to sit for 10 minutes and work on a page, it brings so much creative energy to the forefront, allowing that to spill over into other areas of my life. For instance, last night, I stayed up past when I put Delilah down, and I dyed my hair. Something so simple changed how I felt out myself today. It also helped me to feel like I am caring for myself a little more. I just need to work on the sleep thing.

Speaking of....Delilah sleeps pretty well, I cannot complain. She has been falling asleep in her crib on her own now for almost two weeks. The thing is at around 3ish she starts to cry, so I wait, and she cries so I go and get her and bring her to our bed, and she nurses, and stays attached until about 10 in the morning. Well this does not allow for very restful sleep for me. I know she can go much longer with out eating than that, but what to do? So I think tonight ( ahh not looking forward to this!) I am going to get up and nurse her in room then put her back in her crib. And then wait a little longer when she cries. I have only brought her to my bed so I can get some rest. I figure a few nights of little sleep to "train" her will pay off in the long run, we shall see. I am at a loss, wish me luck.

Delilah taught me today the value of community. Things I never appreciated before, things I took for granted, I am now beginning to see the value of. I take pride in where I live. I feel that a home, a community is an extension of oneself, and I want that to be true in my life. I value the "village" I have helping to raise my daughter, the good friends I have to help dispense advice, and most of all the core family of love that I am so blessed with. It takes a lot to make a community, and if everyone took a little pride in the greater communities of their lives then it would make it that much nice for everyone else.

To Let Love help me Pray

"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:18

I need to love with more than my words, and let me tell you, it is really hard sometimes. I want so desperately to live a life of Christ for me, and my child. Why? Because even if Christ is not the Lord and Savior, he was a man of love and compassion, something we all need a little more of. Someone we all should model our lives after. I sometimes find myself getting caught up in what others say, getting sucked into gossip and trash talking, and the hardest part is, I hate it, it is not who I truly am. I have also been struggling with being judgemental lately. Not thinking I am better than, but believing others should be better than they are. Who am I to judge them? Who am I to say what they should or should not be doing? I have no ground to stand on. Sometimes I wish I could start over with people, wipe the slate clean on which we have built a relationship and show them who I truly am, a child of God.

I know that my heart will show through, but honestly it is embarrassing behavior sometimes. And although a majority of the world does not see this behavior as anything abnormal, I do, because we live in a world where love is not the first thing show, we live in a world where fear and anger is shown, and I do not want that in my life.

I have been struggling with finding a community to grow my faith. Back in Petaluma I had a great group of people, I felt like I could challenge the Word of God and have him answer back so loudly it hurt. Now, I can hardly hear him. Dan and I have been to a few churches around, but none, seem to be the fit. I need a "home" to raise my child in. A home where I as the more "seasoned christian" can help guide my husband in his new, and fragile faith. And grow my marriage. I need a home where I can go and be sick and walk away feeling healed. I am needing this so much I can feel it in my soul. The other hard part is my child sleeps until 10am...most churches start at 10. Ahh... I know if I pray hard enough it will happen, for that I have faith. I just need to pray more...the catch....

Delilah taught me today that I need to ground myself. That I cannot go running around crazy like and expect to actually be productive. Delilah taught me that being bonded is a good and a bad thing, that the need to branch out and experience new things is important in order to gain comfort in unknown situations. Delilah has also taught me to pray again...

ahh the weekend

Delilah and I were sick this weekend. Actually since like Thursday, but really sick this weekend. Delilah nursed almost constantly which drained me even more. My weekend is supposed to be the time to set up for the week, to get ahead of things, but not this weekend. I have folded laundry on the couch, dishes in the sink, dirty bathrooms, and I am too tired to care. And yet it is cyclical which means the piles are only going to grow....I feel like I am never going to get ahead again. Man I miss the days when being sick was feeling sorry for myself, now it is like falling WAY far behind in life. But you know, it shows me that I need to slow down.

Delilah is feeling better but I brought her back in out bed last night because she is sick too. So that adds a little more unrest for me.

Today Delilah has taught me that being sick is sometimes a sign to just stay in bed and take care of oneself. Tomorrow might be the same.

Scattered and TOTALLY CRAZY!

I have always had a tendency to over do things in life. To please everyone and everything besides myself first, then leaving little or no time for me. I had been doing better with this the last year or so, or at least I had thought. Delilah has her schedule pretty well set, and I try to follow it to the best of my ability. Now we are adding the "solid" food feedings which changes a few things believe it or not. Anyway, Monday my Dad usually comes out, Tuesday I usually go to Berkeley in the morning and some out of the home chores on my way home, Wednesday is my play date day, or other friend's time, Thursday is Parenting group in the Morning, and the afternoon is Delilah's time with Lenore so I can get my not possible with baby chores done, Friday is a stay at home day, people can come to me day, Saturday is a get things done day, go out with family and friends ( and ideally I would love to get to a gymboree class, yet to happen!) and Sunday, the goal is church, however that arena is a whole other mess right now. So my life is scheduled out. NO MORE! Not to mention I have somehow manage to cook and clean. But the real problem is I do not feel like I have enough time to just be at home and hang with my kid. We both need that. So, I am trying to recollect and find what really matters. For the first 3 months of Delilah's life, we always went to others, now I am having those come to us. No more over extending because the one who really is suffers is my little one.

I needed to recollect myself this week, to stay at home, putter and play, and most of all, not worry about appointments, play dates, family, friends, cooking, cleaning. And so far, I have yet to accomplish this. So, my vow starting next Monday to start for one week to do only what I want to do, and I am going NO WHERE unless I want to go somewhere. Sometimes you just need to be at home.

Delilah is yet again teaching me to readjust my life in a way that demands of myself first then others. That I can only care for those around me if I have cared for myself first. I need to get back in touch with myself spiritually, and physically I want to be where I was 4 years ago when I met my husband. I am tired of this body that I feel does not belong to me. I am wanting to regain my creative side again, to scrapbook, to paint, to journal for me! And I am going to do this, and I will find the time, somewhere. So for this week, back to basics, as my darling daughter is teaching me, sometimes it is okay to be selfish and cry for what you want!

Putting her down to sleep

So as of right now my child is asleep in her crib. That is not the big thing, the big thing is I put her down awake. I nursed her, she fell asleep, as usual, however the deal is every time I go to put her down she wakes up, well, I let her stay in her crib, she talked, cried a little, fussed, then got quiet. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! I want to start this now because I have seen too many parents go through struggles when it comes to bed time, and I will not have that. Ahh. Also going back to school one night a week will change things, my Dad or Daniel will be putting her to sleep which means no nursing, so, I needed to start this now. I am so relieved, so long periods of tears.

Tomorrow I am meeting with a lady who I met in Starbucks a couple weeks ago. She was very pregnant at the time, and had the cutest little boy with her. We started chatting, and sure enough clicked! So we are having a play date at the park, I am very excited. I feel like every where I go I meet new, fantastic people. I am finally feeling like I did years ago, where making friends is easy again. When I first moved out here I relied on my husband's friends, well now I not only have my own, but Dan and I are expanding our friendships as a couple. I love this, always something to do.

This is a quick blog tonight because I am wanting some "chill out time" and since my child is ASLEEP, I am going to take a bubble bath, yay!

Delilah taught me today that I have to face my fears and let self-soothing take its course. That I know I can rescue her, but I need to give her the opportunity to "take care of herself". This is a hard lesson.

A little Me time

This weekend was just what my family needed. Time at home, together, with nothing huge planned, no where to go, no one to please. We enjoyed time on our new couch, went for a walk, went to the grocery store, all very bland, very WONDERFUL things. Back to basics so to speak.

Since this weekend allowed relaxation, I finally feel the creative urge bubbling up again. This blog has helped to get some of that out, but now I am wanting to work on Delilah's Baby book. I want to paint, to scrap book. I need to get my stuff out and start my projects. I send of tons of photos of Delilah, to be printed, maybe I am crazy, but I take at least one photo a day. She changes so much I feel like I need to capture it before it disappears. I find Delilah inspires me to to rediscover my passions, to find what I lost a long time ago. She is teaching me that if I slow down, and relax I can get back to what really matters. My house gets cleaned, my family gets fed, and then it is my time. If I don't have some "me" time then there is no other time it seems, I cannot catch my breath, I cannot recollect to start all over again. Fortunately Delilah is the kind of baby that allows me to have "me" to me sometimes. She is such a happy content baby that I can step out of the room if I need to to just center myself. I did take that for granted before I had her, but now every moment of that means a lot.

Today Delilah just wanted to be close. Which is good, but I realized since she has now discovered that she can sit up and out, she want to be close while being "independent", so we are learning together how to make this work. She is asleep on time tonight which is good, since yesterday her schedule ( of which she has set) was kind of messed up. I am glad today was Sunday and Dan was home, so as he could help get things back on track. I hate that tomorrow is Monday and he goes back to work. Win the lotto? yeah..........

Delilah taught me today that not all babies are created equal. That I see many parent struggle with being a parent, partially it is them, partially it is their child. Personalities clash, despite how big or little the person, or personalities may be. Daniel and I are very blessed as our little family blends well, and is so full of love, it is hard not to smile, hug and kiss.
** DID I EVER MENTION THAT MY SPELLING AND GRAMMAR ARE ATROCIOUS? So sorry....

Barley Cereal and a new couch

So yesterday evening Delilah had her 1st "solid" food. The doctor recommended we start feeding her some cereal with breast milk to help "put some fat on that tiny body". So that is what we did. And she LOVED IT! We had her sit in her bumbo seat while we all sat at the table. Daniel video taped as we fed her barley and breast milk. It was so sweet. IT WENT EVERYWHERE! I loved every moment of it. She was not sure at first but by the end she thought it was the best thing ever. Today my Mother in Law fed her again, and she kept trying to put the spoon in her mouth on her own. It is all happening so fast.

Her check up went well, she is 11 lbs. 8 oz and her head circumference is 15. Still a little small, but the doctor said she is "advanced physically". Like he had to tell me, just kidding! It is nice to see her doing so well since she did come so darn early. Anyway, back in a month for a weight check!

Daniel had a good time in New York, and is glad to be home. I am glad he is home too. I am not sure how single Moms do it, more power to them! I did miss him. So since he came home he missed Delilah so much she slept in our bed again the last two nights, however, right now, she is in her crib, so pray it stays that way most of the night?

We also got a new couch. I love it. I feel so grown up sometimes, like hello, I am still 17 in my mind, I should not be paying bills, cooking, cleaning, and being a mom, let alone buying a couch! But hey, it is a nice place to sit!

Delilah taught me this week that the warmth of a human can bring much peace and comfort. I had missed having Daniel home and in our bed, but I also missed my little one. The breath of a child is so sweet, so calming, it taught me, instinctively to slow down and really rest. And trust me, I need it this week!

** I just heard a strange noise coming from the monitor, I have it placed in the crib, I go in and she is playing with it! PLAYING WITH IT! The most wonderfully surprising child! I just love it!

Burning Rice and a Big Baby Bed

So as my child lay peacefully in her crib, of which she spend 2/3 of the night last night ( I went and got her because my bed was too big!) I smell rice, but hot rice, BURNING RICE! I rushed out to the kitchen to see my house FILLED with smoke! What the heck? It has only been on the stove a matter of minutes! So I take it off the stove, run water over it and fan out the house. What a close call that was. I still am not sure why it happened. There was plenty of water on the top, so who knows. Forget the rice, it is a pizza night.

Delilah went for her 4 month physical today. She weighed in at 11lbs 8oz and 24 inches long. Her head was 15. GREAT! The doctor says she is still kind of small, so he said to go ahead and start some rice cereal mixed with breast milk. However, he said he was not too concerned since she is developing well other wise. He said physically she is advanced. She rolls from front to back and back to front, he saw her sit on her own ( which I guess is early), and she has been attempting to "crawl" while on her belly. That head still seems a touch too heavy to actually get anywhere. So she checked out okay. I am one proud Mama. She did get two shots, I cried too, it is so hard to hear that cry. Now she is one sleepy baby!

Tomorrow Daniel comes home, I am so glad. Amazing how much I have missed him. However the time has gone by fast. It will be nice to have his body back in bed. So Delilah will try her rice cereal tomorrow. I want to wait so Dan can experiance this as well. I am so excited!

Today Delilah taught me that baby talk is quite informative. She really gets her point across. That communication is possible, even if the same language is not spoke, if one pays attention. I