Walking in my Neighborhood

Today Delilah and I ventured not too far, for once. We took a nice, long walk in my neighborhood. And the "hood" part is right. This is the first place I have ever lived where I do not feel entirely safe walking at anytime of the day. What a way to live! Granted we even live in a better part of the city, but still. Maybe it is that maternal instinct or something, but I feel far more fearful than I ever have in my life and I am not a fearful person/

We walked the perimeter of our complex, with a friend, and then we went our own ways. I continued on further down the road. I walk and walk, hoping to stumble upon something nice, a hidden neighborhood or street. It did not happen. I want so desperately to want to walk close to home, to find a sanctuary outside to match the one I have created inside. But I cannot here and that makes me sad. I feel to blessed to have been raised in the small town where I grew up, even bad things felt removed. Then with each subsequent move I found a nice place to retreat too. But here I have not, and that is foreign. I see so much hatred and anger in this town. So much sadness and pain. Expressed through broken windows, graffiti houses, and drug deals...even in my own parking lot. My community is finally putting up gates, but sometimes the gates only keep the bad from leaving, not always from getting in. I love our apartment, I feel like it is such a bright and peaceful place, most of the time. But then again I fear that something will go haywire on the street and we will be hurt. Silly to think this way, and I never would have thought this way before Delilah, but it changes when you are protecting another life.

I don't usually mind taking the car and going somewhere for a walk, I do that often, but it would be nice to feel as if I had the option to find a nice walk close to home.

I feel as if I am finally finding the me time I have needed. I started scrap booking Delilah's book. It is so nice, even to sit for 10 minutes and work on a page, it brings so much creative energy to the forefront, allowing that to spill over into other areas of my life. For instance, last night, I stayed up past when I put Delilah down, and I dyed my hair. Something so simple changed how I felt out myself today. It also helped me to feel like I am caring for myself a little more. I just need to work on the sleep thing.

Speaking of....Delilah sleeps pretty well, I cannot complain. She has been falling asleep in her crib on her own now for almost two weeks. The thing is at around 3ish she starts to cry, so I wait, and she cries so I go and get her and bring her to our bed, and she nurses, and stays attached until about 10 in the morning. Well this does not allow for very restful sleep for me. I know she can go much longer with out eating than that, but what to do? So I think tonight ( ahh not looking forward to this!) I am going to get up and nurse her in room then put her back in her crib. And then wait a little longer when she cries. I have only brought her to my bed so I can get some rest. I figure a few nights of little sleep to "train" her will pay off in the long run, we shall see. I am at a loss, wish me luck.

Delilah taught me today the value of community. Things I never appreciated before, things I took for granted, I am now beginning to see the value of. I take pride in where I live. I feel that a home, a community is an extension of oneself, and I want that to be true in my life. I value the "village" I have helping to raise my daughter, the good friends I have to help dispense advice, and most of all the core family of love that I am so blessed with. It takes a lot to make a community, and if everyone took a little pride in the greater communities of their lives then it would make it that much nice for everyone else.