Thanks, giving.

Thanksgiving has come and gone again, and I realized just how much I have to be thankful for! This last year has been touch and go for me, there were times of great uncertainty and fear, especially with the love of my life, Delilah, seemingly at peril. Last year at this time I was so ill, loosing too much weight, last year at this time, I was taking each day as it came, still recovering from the news that my Delilah was a supposed miscarriage and preparing for the unknown of a turbulent pregnancy. And I have arrived here, to a life with a healthy baby, a strong and passionate marriage, an ever growing mind, and over all a peace in my heart. I know I sway it a lot, but I am one blessed woman. I love my life.

Things are happening, things are flying off the handle at a rate I cannot even comprehend. I have so much to do, and all of it is good. I am feeling the need to focus some of this energy on my physical body a little more, taking care of myself. I got a fantastic haircut, going for color next week. I am waiting for clothes, but I am going to work my body more, not that I need to move anymore than I do, but man I am can push it. Most of all, I need to be aware of what goes into my body. I feel like I need a veggie and al'natural detox of sorts. So this will come. We shall see how it goes.

Delilah is struggling. I am not sure if it is her teeth ( she is actively teething) or something else. But she has been warmish and fussy for about three days now. I worry about that little person. She hates tummy time, and yet rolls to her tummy but not back. She wants to crawl but again disliking being on the tummy tends to inhibit the ability to grow in that arena. I know she is doing well, but I have fears, I have the fear that physically she was doing well, even a little advanced, but now I am seeing some lag. I realize all babies develop in their own right, so I am giving myself the patients and peace of heart to let it be. She on the other hand is quite the talker, non-stop words, Delilah words, but they are words.

Delilah has been teaching me this last week all about kisses. I LOVE KISSES from her. She is now giving "kisses" and it warms my heart. Kisses mean so much and I believe that they are a naturally occurring behaviour. That love is not learned, nor is the expression, it is born with us, and for that God has blessed us all.

Oh I wanted to cry

Yesterday, last night and today I felt like my life had been possessed by a child other than my own. A child who DID NOT SLEEP but four hours last night, and no naps yesterday. A child that for what ever I could do would not sleep unless she was held today and even then they were but 10 minute naps. Where did my sweet, no fuss, no tears girl go? I had a moment of panic today, my irrational fears came into play, why? Because I went against my gut feeling. Delilah had her doctors appointment on Tuesday, at that appointment she had her HIB shot. Ever since that day she has been quite fussy, progressively worse as each day passes. And then I remembered something someone once said, it was basically my child seemed to never be the same after that shot. What if I did that, what if?! Now, I know it is totally illogical, but I wanted to WAIT to give her vaccinations, I was planning on giving them all ( I am not that big of a hipster!) but not all at once and not right away. Well, that day I did not stand up for want I wanted. I know she is fine and most likely this is all a phase, but there is that thought of what if?

Delilah is teaching me a great number of things, and let me tell you, the last three days has been that of patients. Not with her, but rather with myself. I am learning to walk away, take a breath, and count. I need to recollect myself. Often when I am tired or overwhelmed I get grumpy ( or some may have more colorful words for that) and I don't like that about myself. So patients. I find myself with this verse weighing heavily on my heart.
"Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD."
Psalm 31:24 KJV

Too Long

So it is 1:30 and I finally have time. Time free of homework, time free of babies ( that just happened about 15 minutes ago!) and time free of housework. I miss blogging, jotting down my daily life, having the time to reflect on all things. I need to make time for this, it helps me to put things in perspective.

A lot is happening in my life. Daniel and I finally found a church. I love it. It is Clayton Valley Presby, it is liberal ( which is what fits us) and very friendly. I finally feel at home. And do does Daniel, which means more to me than anything. It makes my heart so happy that he is initiating this too, making this his spirituality, his life focus. Finally God has helped us to find a peaceful place to raise our daughter.

School is in fully swing, I have been reading and writing like a mad woman. I keep questioning if this is right and just when things get almost too much to handle it all works out. I know I will be okay, but at the moment the prospect of at least 1.5 more years is daunting. I love having to stretch my brain again, I love working in a team and learning new things. I love being challenged, and finally I love that I am doing this for myself. I am a university person. WOW!

I feel as if I have left my friends in the dust. I have been trying to organize and fall into a schedule with my school stuff that I had to let some things go. That happened to be friends. Now I am in a place where I feel like I can work them back in. I am so blessed that I have so many groups of friends, but at the same time I can seriously be double booked everyday of the week if I allow. So I am going to have to be more aggressive about how I plan my days.

Delilah is doing well. We are going back in for a weight check tomorrow. Daniel and I measured her and she is 26 inches long. I am not sure if that is long for her age or not, but I know I love watching her grow. She is now saying syllables like Ma, Da, Pa. And that is so exciting. I am now actively using signs with her in the hope that she will pick them up early. I know it may be quite sometime before I see the product of my work, but I know in the long run it will be worth it. I feel like I have not had enough time with her, and I am only away two nights a week. I cannot imagine being a working Mom, I thank my Husband for supporting me in staying at home. I am very blessed and love.

Daniel and I are doing well. I feel like being away so much I neglect him, and even sometimes take him for granted, I hope I can express how much he means to me in a way that he will understand. I feel like our relationship as husband and wife is growing stronger each day, that every new day brings one more heart string attaching us together. I am one lucky lady.

As the holidays approach I am looking for a new out look. I want to change my world, even if it is small, and I want to start that this holiday season. I will do something, but what I am not sure yet.

That is all for now. I hope to make the time to write again soon.

A Monumental Day

I voted today, with my husband, and my daughter. We all went to the polls together, and all three got "I Voted" or "YA' Vote" stickers ( they loved that I brought Delilah so they gave her one). I am proud that I helped to make such a grand decision happen today. A decision that will inevitably change the course of history, paving way for a new type of political ideas. I am excited that my new President, my Commander and Chief is now Barack Obama. I cried tonight, out of joy and felt a true sense of pride for my country, and for me as an American Citizen. I want my daughter to live in an America where anything can happen, where there are true equal rights and equal care for all. And it is happening.

I have also added a photo of my vision board. I love it. It focuses me. I love it. And we are planning to start a family board as well. I am doing this because Delilah is teaching me everyday to find a greater picture than myself. A dream that I can achieve that will continue on larger than my life, and I want my family to do the same. I want to show Delilah about love of country, a love of community and a love of family. A board of a family creation will help us put our goals in front of us, allowing us to address these daily, reminding us that there is a greater cause than ourselves.

That is all for today, I am proud, and proud for my daughter and her generation, a generation of true change and hope.

Take a Breath

Where is my time going? My life, Our life, seems to fill so quickly. I was busy before I had Delilah and now it seems as though it is perpetual busyness! And I like it, most of the time. Crazy old me also tends to add sugar to the diet soda, why? Because apparently I like like to see things get fizzy and explode.

School is going well, I am going to spend any and all "free time" ( and I laugh at that) doing homework. Most of which is reading and group meetings, I sure hope I am doing the right thing. Anyway, I really like this and I feel super inspired to do this, but my goodness there is no much to do. There is so much coming at me, and all of it is good. It seems that it is rushing at me, where as the good things in that occurred in my life in past seemed to creep slowly towards me. I am overwhelmed by goodness and strangely enough I am not sure how to deal...yet.

Delilah turned five months on the 30th of last month. I find that hard to believe. She is getting so big, so fast. I am missing the newborn Delilah but loving the five month old. She is one funny little girl too. She sings so loud it makes my heart tingle, and her conversations definitely keeps me involved. We are having an awesome time as a family and I really feel blessed at all the family and friends that have been involved in her short life so far, she is the social butterfly of the family, right after my heart.

Halloween was a quite one this year. For being my favorite holiday, I was surprised at how little there was for the day. Delilah was dressed as a lady bug, and I as nothing, for the first time in my life. We went to Bodega to see my niece in her school parade, stopped by my Dad's, and came home for a little R&R. No trick or treaters, no Halloween movies, nothing too festive. But I realize that is okay, my last year to never have to do anything again. Weird thought.

Tomorrow is a huge day for us. It is voting day. I have never been so involved before in my life! I am so enthusiastic, so excited about the prospects of what tomorrow can bring, so many weighted decisions to be apart of...monumental decisions that can shape the rest of my child's life.

Delilah has taught me this last week to forgive. I have had some trouble with various relationships in my life, feeling frustrated that I always give and give and never feel as though it is reciprocated. That giving 100% in a relationship only makes a relationship if both parties participate. These relationships were not ones I want to fail or disappear, but one can only offer so much, so that is when the resentment started. Then came the anger. Why should I be the one to work hard and extend all of myself for anther's convenience when it is never given back. And then I got it. WWJD. Do you remember that little phrase that is so HUGE! Jesus the man, Jesus the God, would do this, he would give all of himself, he did give all of himself, even when others never gave back, even when I don't give back. So seeing my daughter's face after having a very disappointing conversation with someone I had hoped would understand where I was coming from, helped to me to see that I want to teach her what would Jesus do. If not even for the religious aspect, but the human aspect. You can't get much better than that. So today I take a breath and think what would Jesus do?