My Lilah

My darling. Her humor is amazing. Tonight was the best night our family has had yet. She is growing into herself, and finally feeling well enough to embrace her silly 8month old self. Delilah has had a double ear infection for at least two weeks, although Daniel and I suspect she has been in pain much longer than that. My heart is broken for the pain that she was in, and yet we did what the doctors, moms, dads, grandparents, and books told us to do. We feared that our daughter was changing, that we were loosing the silly, funny, loving daughter we had. That was painful, and very very scary. So tonight, as the antibiotics finally started to help, we had a funny, ham of a daughter, laughing, playing tricks on us, and getting us to be as silly as possible! She is so beautiful! I always have known I am blessed, and even as things were bad ( and yes they were bad, and I held back many tears!) I knew I was blessed, but tonight affirmed that my daughter is more of a door to God that I ever knew before. I believe that children are as close to God as we adults allow ourselves to get ( not all, but most). Why? Because they are pure, they offer only what is happening in that moment, they do not carry garbage around, they do no let their feelings towards someone affect their love towards you in that moment, they show God's face in their beautiful smiles, smiles that come without force, but with joy! And, children's affect on us big people is contagious, the giggles, the letting go, the love! God reminds me in so many ways to "have a little faith in Me, I will be your friend, until the end", as the song goes, and I choose so often to not hear those words, but I tell you, I AM LISTENING AND ALWAYS WILL LISTEN TO THOSE WORDS, if I have nothing else! I will remember, that God is always there, and sometimes, I have to look a little harder to be reminded.
Thank You, God, for my happy, HEALTHY, loves of my life!

In the Clutches of Mommy and Daddy

I remember being little and sleeping on my Dad. Snuggled against his chest, breathing his breath and smelling him. I remember him being so tired from working that day, that often he would crash before I would, but I was content with my thumb in my mouth and my blankie at my side. As I look at Delilah, and see her only sleeping in Mommy and Daddy's bed, and last night, only in my arms or Daniel's, I realized that this is love. She loves us so much, as I love my Dad so much that nothing else means more.
Delilah and I had plans this morning to attend a mother's bible study, I was/am very excited, however last night my darling decided that, one; she should not sleep ANYWHERE but our bed, and two; she wanted to play at 1, 4, 6, and 7 am. And of course sleep until 10. So we missed the gathering, but I have faith that God will let me know when the right time is to go, because as of current, it is not happening. I miss the ladies who invited me, and I want to see them so very badly, but I know they understand more than anyone what I am faced with.
Right now my daughter is sleeping, peacefully in my bed for her nap. For some reason the crib is now her worst enemy. I am not sure why, but I figure if there is that much fear and sadness, than I must nurture her comfort and provide a place where she feels safe enough to rest. At some point I know she will be ready to move back to her room, her space, but for now I need to listen to her calls and my instinct.
I am learning this week that I show love in my own way, but often that is overridden by rudeness, or anger. I get so frustrated when life is out of my control ( yes this is still an issue, always an issue!) and that manifests itself in feeling overwhelmed, annoyed, and resentful. I need to remember the phrase "let go let God". There are days when my plan flies out the window, when my ideas will NOT work, and that is something that is very hard, but I also realize that is the time God is speaking to me the most. A day like today, Delilah and I would not have had the wonderful morning we had if I had rushed her, awakened her, tried to strap her in the car seat and go. So in a sense God's voice is coming through Delilah to me.

It's easy as 1, 2,3,4...I love you

Love. That is it for my week. I need to love everything, everyone, why? Because love is all you need. I realize that sometimes I go through my life saying I love this, love that, and love you, but really I do not connect with those three words, I love you. What do those three words mean to me? I have heard them and said them so many times, but really I have never embraced them. There are so many kinds of love out there, and I don't think I know them, so this week, I am going to learn about them and share them! Here are some of the definitions from Webster, have you read them before...?
1 a (1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties love for a child> (2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates> b: an assurance of love love>2: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>3 a: the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration love> b (1): a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment (2)British —used as an informal term of address4 a: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1): the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2): brotherly concern for others b: a person's adoration of God
( Merriam-Webster, 2009).

So love can be romantic, endearing, desire, tenderness, admiration, concern, and God. God is love! I realized after reading 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 this morning, that I do not act in love, not often show love the way the Bible requires us, I am a clashing cymbal.

1If I speak in the languages of humans and angels but have no love, I have become a reverberating gong or a clashing cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can understand all secrets and every form of knowledge, and if I have absolute faith so as to move mountains but have no love, I am nothing. 3Even if I give away everything that I have and sacrifice myself,[a] but have no love, I gain nothing 4Love is always patient;13love is always kind; love is never envious or arrogant with pride.Nor is she conceited,5and she is never rude;she never thinks just of herself or ever get annoyed.She never is resentful;6is never glad with sin,but always glad to side with truth,whene'er the truth should win.[b]7 She bears up under everything, believes the best in all, there is no limit to her hope,and she will never fall.8Love never fails. Now if there are prophecies, they will be done away with. If there are languages, they will cease. If there is knowledge, it will be done away with. 9For what we know is incomplete and what we prophesy is incomplete. 10But when what is complete[c] comes, then what is incomplete will be done away with.

11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up my childish ways. 12Now we see only an indistinct image in a mirror, but then we will be face to face. Now what I know is incomplete, but then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13Right now three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I know in my heart that I get annoyed and I am resentful, a lot more frequently than I have ever been, and i am ready to let this go. I am ready to bear up under everything, I am ready to embrace what love is. My plan this week is to place hearts around my house with the verses I have just posted above, to remind myself to act lovingly not only to those around me, but to myself and to God. I want Delilah to know what love really is, not just what the words mean, but how to apply them to all aspects of her life, and who am I to teach something I thought I had mastered but really know very little about?

My Valentine

Valentines day is coming soon. and I am so looking forward to celebrating with my little heart. As my life has changed this year, so have the holiday meanings. I was fantasizing today while driving of Delilah in school, making valentines for her classmates ( which we always did in our family), and getting excited for valentines treats. I used to love valentines day, with hearts EVERYWHERE! Today my little valentine was dressed in a heart dress, looking particularly sweet. I have had a good last couple of days playing with her, experiencing her. This life is going so fast, and I am bracing myself...trying to take our days together one day at a time. I am glad we had a tough couple of weeks, because I have learned from my Mommy friends that this time, their time, flies by, and that I will never be able to get this time back.

Good Morning

I am blessed. That is a good way to start the day I think. Delilah and I had a MOPs meeting this morning, but decided to for-go the play group and sleep. Yes, sleep. Delilah finally went to bed, after I took her, nursed her and then lay her in her crib with a shirt of mine...yes it worked. She slept until 5:55am this morning, then came to our bed, and nursed for about 1 minute and slept until 8:35. Finally, some routine back! I have to say, I was not sure what to do with myself last night, I had so much time on my hands once she was in bed. I wanted to focus on homework, but I decided to rest, facebook, and revamp my bloggy look. I am glad I did. This morning I feel rejuvenated, alive again, and ready to join the world.
Delilah and I are off to Petaluma again...fortunately it is sunny and bright, not any rain falling, so on one hand I hope it stays that way, and the other hand I know we could use some more droplets! Delilah has been teaching me a lot these last two weeks. She has taught me, in conjunction with my dear friends and family clarifying, that babies grow too fast, that even when times are hard, listen to my heart, cherish EVERY moment and they mean EVERY moment, because before I know it these times will be gone and I will miss them. I never understood why people would always say time goes so fast, or this last year just flew by, or as I get old the time seems to get shorter...well, I understand now, I get what they mean, because all of those things are true. Life, life really is just a flash, and I feel like I need to make a significant memory for everyday because I can never bring back yesterday....amazing. I look forward to a good day with my Delilah, a day of playing, of nice walks, of seeing old friends and family. Today is going to be a blessed day.

My Tears

Delilah has been sick this week with her first REAL illness. She has had a wicked virus, with a temp that reached 103.6 degrees, can we say SCARY! We have made it though the rough part, or so I thought. Last week into this week she has been over needy, nursing like crazy, not eating OR sleeping well, and wanting only to be in our ( me and my hubbser's) bed. It has been draining. So I decided to get her "back on schedule" tonight. I put her in her crib, she was clean, fed, dry, and happy. That last MAYBE two minutes and the wailing began. Oh and did it go. I do not believe in letting her cry it out. For whatever reason it goes against all of my instinct, and I have yet to this day let her cry more than five minutes. I thought tonight maybe I have been wrong, maybe it is time to let her tough it out, even though she has always been able to self-sooth before. So after talking with my Dad, whom I adore and value his opinion on child rearing, he said let her cry for 10 minutes, if she can keep it up that long then something other than wanting to play at bed time is up. So I let her cry, and cry and CRY for eight minutes, and I could not take it anymore. My heart broke, I cried and even now I write this I am having a hard time holding back my tears. Her cries where like I have never heard before, the kind where she sobs and cannot catch her breath. I went it and scooped her up, and held her while she tried to suck in air, but still had occasional bursts of sadness.We cried together, then I brought her to our room and she nursed to sleep. Finally I was able to put her in her crib with a shirt of mine, for my smell.

I am at a loss, I am not sure what to do. I spoke too soon about my child who would go down to bed awake and now....now not during the day nor at night will she let me put her down. I am at my end, sad, and tired, and I am not sure where to go with this. I need all the mommies I can get, all the advice I can absorb because none of us can live this way! I love her so much that like tonight, it hurts. I cannot let my child feel scared or abandoned. As every mother knows there are different cries for different need, but tonight was a cry I have never ever heard...and that was beyond my cool. I pride myself on being a lax and down to earth Mom, even a hippie of sorts, but having a child ALWAYS wanting to be held, it gets to be overwhelming...so where to my Mommy friends?...what shall I do with my Delilah who will not be put down during the day without crying, and will not nap anywhere but my arms, and does not want to go to bed anywhere but in my bed? WHERE TOO? Do I let her cry? Is this a phase?