My Baby you'll be

After a long hard day I finally am finding the time to sit, and to be creative, something that has been lacking for me personally for a while now. My husband is house sitting for his parents, so I have the house to me, and Delilah. She is in bed, the house is cleaned, and I feel no need to rush to bed to spend what little time my husband and I seem to have together. Granted I would much rather have him here, but in a sense I was able to create my own space tonight. This home we have created has become such a sanctuary to me, and it is rare that I can fully embrace that. It is quite, with no expectations. How nice.
Delilah, today, was tough. I realized parents love their child for days like these. She decided she did not want to make up her mind for what she wanted, but clearly did not want anything offered. Her tears made it hard today to put her down, to have a moment to myself to regain my sense of balance. She decided that napping was NOT for her today, and that she wanted to be held, but really did not want to be held. So at last, after fighting nursing, and finally taking a bottle she settled down in my bed. Breathe. It was today I realized just when I thought I wanted to scream or put her in her room and close the door, she came back at me with the cutest smile, or sweetest noise. When I had had enough she did something so cute and funny it was hard to continue being upset. And just a few moments ago, when I moved her to her crib, I did not want to put her down, I just wanted to hold her, kiss her. I love you for always, I will like you forever, as long as you're living my baby you'll be. That is a line from a book from my childhood that seemed to ring true tonight. I love her so much my heart almost hurts, and when days are hard, she reminds me that it is all for a good reason in the end.

Tired of Tires

I sit here at the tire shop, thinking a lot about what has happened in my life lately. All the reasons I have to be grateful for, all the times I have had the choice whether to be sad and mope, but instead I have chosen to take life as it comes and find a blessing in it. I was feeling sorry for myself about 15 minutes ago because I just dropped $400 on tires. That is a lot of dough when you also have to get the car smogged and get its regular check. I was stressing that we would be really tight, but safety is not a sacrifice I was willing to make. And then it hit me, a lady came blustering through the door, demanding her car should be finished in x amount of time, and that she needs a discount and that the tires are all a rip off, and I got it.She is my lesson. I realized I am blessed to be able to put tires on a car, I am blessed to have a car, and a safe one at that. I am blessed that I get an hour of relative quite to sit and think about all of this. I am blessed that my husband was not just willing, but happy to stay with our daugter as trekked off to care for our vehicle. I sometimes need to put things in persepctive. I need to realize that I would not only considered fortunate in most of the world, but wealthy, I have a roof over my head, with nice things inside, i have a full fridge and pantry, and CLEAN RUNNING water, I have electricy, two cars and health insurance. AND I have God. I begin to doubt Him sometimes, thinking he is not doing enough for me, and my family, that if he really loved us he would help us find a way to make more money, or pay off bills, or by that new car we so want. He does help us all the time, every time we have NEEDED something God has come through. We have never gone with still needing, all of our needs have always been met, and then some. I feel like a huge struggle is gluteny. Not just on a large national level, but on a very personal level. So in the big picture, yes fourhundered dollars is a lot of money, but at least I have it!
Delilah is AMAZING! She is keeping me straight this week. Her smile has is making my heart get to the point of happiness I feel like it could burst. Last night we were so lucky to spend the evening at my Parents home, with my Grandparents as well. Delilah and I did not get home until well after midnight, so, me being me, I asked Dan if she could maybe just crawl in bed with us for the night? Of course he said yes, so she snuggled in and then decided it was time to pull out all of the cute stops! She began talking and cooing, and yelling and squealing, and Rolling back and fourth, and as hard as Daniel and I tired, we could not ignore her to let her settle in to sleep, it was a moment in time that needed to be seized. So the three of played and laughted until it was clear it was time to settle to sleep. I let go last night, and I did not worry about breaking a schedule, about getting hyper when it was time to be quite. AND I LOVED IT! I love her and I love my husband.

In Control

Control seems to be my theme this week. It is presenting itself in so many ways, I know that God is putting it there for a reason, there are TOO many lessons to be learned about control and I seem to have to be learning them all this week!
I have found as I have gone back to school that I feel more in control, and in turn that has given me a sense of power and confidence within myself. I like feeling that I can control my actions and reactions, and for the first time in my life, it does not seem like a big picture, that control is actually pretty simple, at least when it comes to my personal bubble. I have the ability to control what happens in my head ( most of the time ) and the ability for what comes out of my mouth
( although that Mommy Potty Mouth thing is still a wing dinger)! I am working hard at eating right and working out my body, I feel like even if I don't loose the weight I desire, I am in control of HOW I care for myself, and I like that, that is powerful. I have also begun to realize with knowledge comes a sense of control over my interaction with the world. The more knowledge I have, the more I can manipulate the way my course goes. I am not here to take my ride as it comes, no, I realize I have a much greater path and purpose than that, and that is a great sense of control.
Delilah, oh my darling. She too is taking control of her life, or at least attempting to. She has learned that she is indeed separate from Mommy and Daddy and that makes for some trying times. She feeds herself ( mostly) and wants to move like the big kids, but still does not have control over her body. She is learning that with vocal ques she can control those around her quite nicely, and if she wants something, cause and effect are fantastic concepts to have. Delilah is teaching me a lot about how to give up control as well. I am a micro-manager ( a joke between me and my Dad, but true), and I hate that. I admit I like the way I do things, I like the sense of control I have when I know the outcome of things. I like the way I cook, I clean, I drive, I manage. But sometimes we need to let go, no, I need to let go. Delilah is teaching me that I do not have to be in control all the time, that there are times when chores are okay not being done the way I would do them, or even at all. Delilah is teaching me that I cannot control the mess of an almost 8 month-old's meal time, and that bath time means splash time, and there is more joy in watching her play and make water fly than worrying about the extra shirt I will need to wear creating EVEN MORE laundry than before. I love watching Delilah discover her own sense of self. She is signing all finished now, and now that she has correlated what that mean and when to use it, she uses it for EVERYTHING, including while I am trying to get her dressed!
I am also learning how to be controlled. I am learning that there are restrictions in the world that despite how unfair some of them are, they are necessary. I do not like the fact that I cannot eat all the cookies I want ( well I could...) and that I should drive the speed limit, and that when you go into a contract with someone you must follow through even if your plans have changed. I am learning that being controlled helps me to set up personal limits as well. There is an unspoken way the world operates, and that is a control issue. I have been struggling however with those who are in control, those who take their control to extremes and make it a POWER struggle when one does not need to do so.
Control brings on many emotions for me, have had periods in my life, where I have felt so utterly out of control that I had felt like I could never get it back. I have also been through times in my life where I have felt too in control and needed to loosen up. And there is now, where I feel like I am finally obtaining a balance of control, of living freely, while still maintaining a sense of self restriction. This ability to keep it level is giving a great organization, feeling that slowly I can bring fun and exciting things back into my life and step out of the daily grind I have been in for a couple of months. Time for me to get back to life.

Where oh Where has my little blog gone?!

Okay finally a moment, with relatively little obligations outside of myself...my daughter, who is now 7 and a half months old is contently playing, and my husband is still sleeping. It is a WONDERFUL morning of sunshine and happiness, and FINALLY I can sit and enjoy my time to put some thoughts and milestones down.

The holidays were nuts, truly nuts. With three families and this being Delilah's first Christmas and Hanukkah, it was more than important to see everyone! She is one spoiled girl, with more gifts and than anyone else, and out of everyone, needed them the least. But she enjoyed unwrapping, and most of all enjoy the wrapping paper...it tasted so yummy! We had an awesome time, but we were extremely busy. Delilah's teeth fully came in ( the bottom two) and she is using them well.

Cheerios and Puffs are her new favorite to eat. She likes the independance of feeding herself, including cut up squishy greenbeans, bananas, apricots, etc. It is so exciting to see her doing this. I love watching ( and introducing) these new things to her...and seeing her recognize she can do it herself...it is great! She is working on her top teeth, although I think it will be a while before we see anything. Delilah has also begun the attempt at crawling, but lets me and Daniel know very clearly that she is not too happy about it! Oh and my darling dramatic daughter ( not sure where that comes from?) has learned now to cough/choke to get attention...hahahaha...not. She does get a reaction, everytime...so it works. Her vocabulary is growing day by day, we have Mama, which is clear, and various other attempts at words, Dada, is almost there....and Papa...yay!

Getting back into a schedule has been a little tedious, as school is taking so much of my free time, and when I have free time, I choose now to sleep. I am looking forward to setting up my days again with play groups/dates, walking, library, and farmers market ( I miss my buds and their little buds too)! Now since Delilah interacts and plays so much more, I think it would be even more fun than before to play!

We are moving, again. I am hesitant to say it because then it becomes real. I am excited about the where we are moving, the prospect of packing, organizing, and making it all work, it overwhelming! We are moving into a house, I am so stoked about! It is in Walnut Country, by Turtle Creek, a nice area on the border of Concord and Walnut Creek. It is a 5 bed 2.5 bath home, HUGE!! We will have two rooms.... HUGE rooms, and will be sharing the home with another family, who have a one year old. I am so excited, because they are such dear friends, but again this could have potential down falls ( of which we are both aware of). They are however gone most of the day, so that will give me some time to have quiet....or alone time. The rent is better and the neighborhood will not have drug deals, and scray people ( yes I live in the ghetto as of current). So this will hopefully all occure in April, we are working on getting out of our lease based on some civil codes they are in violation of...so wish us prayers, luck, good thoughts!

I am going to post, I am making the commitment to myself...AT LEAST two times a week, I miss this...and you ladys who are reading this, you know who you are...PLAYDATE, ASAP!!!

Delilah has taught me a lot this last month, but mostly about love. How one can have such a pute and grateful love, amazes me. I never knew I could feel this way, and it grows more everyday right along side of her. I value my family so much!