Two new teeth and a little Whine

So Delilah has finally begun to cut her two bottom teeth, together. We can see those pearly whites just barely breaking the skin, making her poor little mouth sore. Not to mention she has a touch of the could we have had, so the sniffles and the teeth are making for a pretty grumpy baby ( well let me state, grumpy for her,not for the average child!). She has also started this very entertaining whine. As she is exploring her new vocal sounds, she has decided to stick with one high pitched ehhhhhhhhahhhhhhhh sound when something does not go the way she predicts it should. Now too she is realizing with every action there is a reaction, oh the manipulation! Yet I love it. No not the manipulation part, but the part where I see her strong personality, where I can see her expressing her desires, wants, needs and IDEAS.
Delilah is doing so well, and with each passing day I find myself more and more in love with her. Last night while she was in her crib sleeping away, and I was in my bed, I found myself missing her, but even more so, needing her. It is amazing the heart strings that can be born with a new mommy and child. Since this last week she has been sitting on her own, which has made play so much more exciting, as with every major milestone I feel as though we are blessed. I have to remind myself often that she is a premature baby, and yet still meeting her milestone goals with in a good time frame. It amazes me what love, faith and pure blessings can bring.
Delilah has been teaching me all about what family traditions mean. As the holidays are coming around, I had never thought before of starting my own traditions. Since she has come I find myself seeing neat ideas, and wanting to recreate them at my home, with my family. I love the fact that holidays can be fantastic and OUT OF THE BOX, it just depends on what you make it. I want to made it great, but also bring meaning to our holidays. Starting next year Daniel and I have discussed giving service on behalf of each other for our Christmas presents, and to have Delilah join us in that. She will be old enough to "help" and it is my belief that the earlier you start the better. We have also said we want to limit gifts given to her, for we do not need so many gifts, so next year we are asking to have people to consider donating. Now, we are not saying she is not getting presents, but we don't want the holidays to be all about presents. Delilah is allowing me to see what the holidays are really about, again.

New Hair and an Old Eye

It has been 9 year since I had been diagnosed with cancer. It is a strange thought, one that does not cross my mind often. I was thinking about this because I was taking photo of my new hair-do and my "weird eye" (as I lovingly call it) popped out in the photo. It was the week before thanksgiving of my 13th grade year. Happening so fast, it was as if it never even happened. I believe that is why I do not really think of myself as ever having cancer, or being a "cancer survivor". I feel blessed, not because of why most cancer survivors feel blessed, to have lived through and SURVIVED, but because of my battle scars so speak, I am able to literally see the world differently from other people. This has helped me to have a different type of discussion with others. I can tell who is looking in my eyes for the first time because they always ask, or say, what is in your eye, or wow you have neat eyes. When someone looks you in the eye, you can look them back, and that is a connection greater than any words.

I decided to change my hair, it is a little shorter, and a lot brighter. I needed a change, a change to make me feel fresh and vibrant. So as hopefully these feelings will carrying into other aspects of my life.

Thanks, giving.

Thanksgiving has come and gone again, and I realized just how much I have to be thankful for! This last year has been touch and go for me, there were times of great uncertainty and fear, especially with the love of my life, Delilah, seemingly at peril. Last year at this time I was so ill, loosing too much weight, last year at this time, I was taking each day as it came, still recovering from the news that my Delilah was a supposed miscarriage and preparing for the unknown of a turbulent pregnancy. And I have arrived here, to a life with a healthy baby, a strong and passionate marriage, an ever growing mind, and over all a peace in my heart. I know I sway it a lot, but I am one blessed woman. I love my life.

Things are happening, things are flying off the handle at a rate I cannot even comprehend. I have so much to do, and all of it is good. I am feeling the need to focus some of this energy on my physical body a little more, taking care of myself. I got a fantastic haircut, going for color next week. I am waiting for clothes, but I am going to work my body more, not that I need to move anymore than I do, but man I am can push it. Most of all, I need to be aware of what goes into my body. I feel like I need a veggie and al'natural detox of sorts. So this will come. We shall see how it goes.

Delilah is struggling. I am not sure if it is her teeth ( she is actively teething) or something else. But she has been warmish and fussy for about three days now. I worry about that little person. She hates tummy time, and yet rolls to her tummy but not back. She wants to crawl but again disliking being on the tummy tends to inhibit the ability to grow in that arena. I know she is doing well, but I have fears, I have the fear that physically she was doing well, even a little advanced, but now I am seeing some lag. I realize all babies develop in their own right, so I am giving myself the patients and peace of heart to let it be. She on the other hand is quite the talker, non-stop words, Delilah words, but they are words.

Delilah has been teaching me this last week all about kisses. I LOVE KISSES from her. She is now giving "kisses" and it warms my heart. Kisses mean so much and I believe that they are a naturally occurring behaviour. That love is not learned, nor is the expression, it is born with us, and for that God has blessed us all.

Oh I wanted to cry

Yesterday, last night and today I felt like my life had been possessed by a child other than my own. A child who DID NOT SLEEP but four hours last night, and no naps yesterday. A child that for what ever I could do would not sleep unless she was held today and even then they were but 10 minute naps. Where did my sweet, no fuss, no tears girl go? I had a moment of panic today, my irrational fears came into play, why? Because I went against my gut feeling. Delilah had her doctors appointment on Tuesday, at that appointment she had her HIB shot. Ever since that day she has been quite fussy, progressively worse as each day passes. And then I remembered something someone once said, it was basically my child seemed to never be the same after that shot. What if I did that, what if?! Now, I know it is totally illogical, but I wanted to WAIT to give her vaccinations, I was planning on giving them all ( I am not that big of a hipster!) but not all at once and not right away. Well, that day I did not stand up for want I wanted. I know she is fine and most likely this is all a phase, but there is that thought of what if?

Delilah is teaching me a great number of things, and let me tell you, the last three days has been that of patients. Not with her, but rather with myself. I am learning to walk away, take a breath, and count. I need to recollect myself. Often when I am tired or overwhelmed I get grumpy ( or some may have more colorful words for that) and I don't like that about myself. So patients. I find myself with this verse weighing heavily on my heart.
"Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD."
Psalm 31:24 KJV

Too Long

So it is 1:30 and I finally have time. Time free of homework, time free of babies ( that just happened about 15 minutes ago!) and time free of housework. I miss blogging, jotting down my daily life, having the time to reflect on all things. I need to make time for this, it helps me to put things in perspective.

A lot is happening in my life. Daniel and I finally found a church. I love it. It is Clayton Valley Presby, it is liberal ( which is what fits us) and very friendly. I finally feel at home. And do does Daniel, which means more to me than anything. It makes my heart so happy that he is initiating this too, making this his spirituality, his life focus. Finally God has helped us to find a peaceful place to raise our daughter.

School is in fully swing, I have been reading and writing like a mad woman. I keep questioning if this is right and just when things get almost too much to handle it all works out. I know I will be okay, but at the moment the prospect of at least 1.5 more years is daunting. I love having to stretch my brain again, I love working in a team and learning new things. I love being challenged, and finally I love that I am doing this for myself. I am a university person. WOW!

I feel as if I have left my friends in the dust. I have been trying to organize and fall into a schedule with my school stuff that I had to let some things go. That happened to be friends. Now I am in a place where I feel like I can work them back in. I am so blessed that I have so many groups of friends, but at the same time I can seriously be double booked everyday of the week if I allow. So I am going to have to be more aggressive about how I plan my days.

Delilah is doing well. We are going back in for a weight check tomorrow. Daniel and I measured her and she is 26 inches long. I am not sure if that is long for her age or not, but I know I love watching her grow. She is now saying syllables like Ma, Da, Pa. And that is so exciting. I am now actively using signs with her in the hope that she will pick them up early. I know it may be quite sometime before I see the product of my work, but I know in the long run it will be worth it. I feel like I have not had enough time with her, and I am only away two nights a week. I cannot imagine being a working Mom, I thank my Husband for supporting me in staying at home. I am very blessed and love.

Daniel and I are doing well. I feel like being away so much I neglect him, and even sometimes take him for granted, I hope I can express how much he means to me in a way that he will understand. I feel like our relationship as husband and wife is growing stronger each day, that every new day brings one more heart string attaching us together. I am one lucky lady.

As the holidays approach I am looking for a new out look. I want to change my world, even if it is small, and I want to start that this holiday season. I will do something, but what I am not sure yet.

That is all for now. I hope to make the time to write again soon.

A Monumental Day

I voted today, with my husband, and my daughter. We all went to the polls together, and all three got "I Voted" or "YA' Vote" stickers ( they loved that I brought Delilah so they gave her one). I am proud that I helped to make such a grand decision happen today. A decision that will inevitably change the course of history, paving way for a new type of political ideas. I am excited that my new President, my Commander and Chief is now Barack Obama. I cried tonight, out of joy and felt a true sense of pride for my country, and for me as an American Citizen. I want my daughter to live in an America where anything can happen, where there are true equal rights and equal care for all. And it is happening.

I have also added a photo of my vision board. I love it. It focuses me. I love it. And we are planning to start a family board as well. I am doing this because Delilah is teaching me everyday to find a greater picture than myself. A dream that I can achieve that will continue on larger than my life, and I want my family to do the same. I want to show Delilah about love of country, a love of community and a love of family. A board of a family creation will help us put our goals in front of us, allowing us to address these daily, reminding us that there is a greater cause than ourselves.

That is all for today, I am proud, and proud for my daughter and her generation, a generation of true change and hope.

Take a Breath

Where is my time going? My life, Our life, seems to fill so quickly. I was busy before I had Delilah and now it seems as though it is perpetual busyness! And I like it, most of the time. Crazy old me also tends to add sugar to the diet soda, why? Because apparently I like like to see things get fizzy and explode.

School is going well, I am going to spend any and all "free time" ( and I laugh at that) doing homework. Most of which is reading and group meetings, I sure hope I am doing the right thing. Anyway, I really like this and I feel super inspired to do this, but my goodness there is no much to do. There is so much coming at me, and all of it is good. It seems that it is rushing at me, where as the good things in that occurred in my life in past seemed to creep slowly towards me. I am overwhelmed by goodness and strangely enough I am not sure how to deal...yet.

Delilah turned five months on the 30th of last month. I find that hard to believe. She is getting so big, so fast. I am missing the newborn Delilah but loving the five month old. She is one funny little girl too. She sings so loud it makes my heart tingle, and her conversations definitely keeps me involved. We are having an awesome time as a family and I really feel blessed at all the family and friends that have been involved in her short life so far, she is the social butterfly of the family, right after my heart.

Halloween was a quite one this year. For being my favorite holiday, I was surprised at how little there was for the day. Delilah was dressed as a lady bug, and I as nothing, for the first time in my life. We went to Bodega to see my niece in her school parade, stopped by my Dad's, and came home for a little R&R. No trick or treaters, no Halloween movies, nothing too festive. But I realize that is okay, my last year to never have to do anything again. Weird thought.

Tomorrow is a huge day for us. It is voting day. I have never been so involved before in my life! I am so enthusiastic, so excited about the prospects of what tomorrow can bring, so many weighted decisions to be apart of...monumental decisions that can shape the rest of my child's life.

Delilah has taught me this last week to forgive. I have had some trouble with various relationships in my life, feeling frustrated that I always give and give and never feel as though it is reciprocated. That giving 100% in a relationship only makes a relationship if both parties participate. These relationships were not ones I want to fail or disappear, but one can only offer so much, so that is when the resentment started. Then came the anger. Why should I be the one to work hard and extend all of myself for anther's convenience when it is never given back. And then I got it. WWJD. Do you remember that little phrase that is so HUGE! Jesus the man, Jesus the God, would do this, he would give all of himself, he did give all of himself, even when others never gave back, even when I don't give back. So seeing my daughter's face after having a very disappointing conversation with someone I had hoped would understand where I was coming from, helped to me to see that I want to teach her what would Jesus do. If not even for the religious aspect, but the human aspect. You can't get much better than that. So today I take a breath and think what would Jesus do?

Class

Tonight was my first official start night of school. I am excited. It was great. So many great networking opportunities, so many new and exciting things are awaiting me on this journey. I decided today that I am going to create a "vision" board for myself. It is kind of what some would call an alter, or a focus point, mine is going to be all about my dream. I realize all of my dreams/prayers have been fulfilled so far, but where from here? I will tell you. I want to get my PH.D. in Clinical psychology. I want to raise Delilah with a home school type of attitude while providing a great social network, whether it be a Waldorf or non-traditional type of school, I want to focus on her learning style. I want and envision us as a family going on vacations, even if it just one town over. I envision bringing my family to the "top with me". I am excited about my board, and I will take photos. It will be a visual prayer so to speak, and this will help me to remember to say it all day every day.

Delilah did well, my Dad babysat her which is good for all of us. She was a little thrown off her schedule and Grandpa fed her a few more solids than she normally gets, but hey, she will survive. I am so grateful for him, and feel blessed that I have the family I have. They have allowed me to be able to go back to school and reach for my dreams.

Delilah taught me today that toes taste good. Now, I do not eat my toes, nor any one else except for hers, but what I have watched her do is go back for something that feels nice, something that is new and exciting and wonderful, and challenging. I want that. I want to taste "toes". Everyday Delilah is given the choice to choose the easy toy to grab or the hard toy, and inevitable she chooses the hard one. I believe that this is build into all of us, choose a challenge to learn that we can do it; yet I feel it lost as we grow, we are taught no, instead of yes, we are taught take the easy route in stead, even if the result will be the same as if the hard route was taken. We learn nothing from doing things the "easy way". It is only through mistakes and challenges that we learn new things, and find we might even enjoy a little "toe tasting" every now and again.

A Gymboree Day

Life gets crazy. Finally we are having some good craziness happen. I started school this last week. It was bitter sweet. My child, just this last week of course, starting having mommy separation anxiety, um hello, too early! So anyway, of course I had to leave her for school, which over all was great, and I am super excited to be embarking on this adventure. However knowing that my darling baby was at home with my husband crying most of the time was not too comforting. And this next week is my father's turn for her tears. Oh my heart aches, for her, for them, and for me. I am pretty sure it has to do with her teething, we have some pretty swollen gums happening on the bottom, but I know it can be awhile before we see anything happen. I realized today that this week my Delilah is going to be 5 months old already. 5 MONTHS! This is happening WAY too fast. I love every moment, but feel like I am loosing the time as well, it seems to slip away for quickly. She has started a new kind of talking, a very intentional, squeal type of talk. I love to hear her.

Yesterday Delilah and I met a mommy for a play date in the park. I had met Katya about 5 weeks prior in Starbucks, her little boy, Alexander, who is almost 2 was quite the cutie. He has bright blond hair and a Wallace and Gromit Smile. I love him so. Anyway he thought Delilah was great. Well at the time Katya was due to have a baby the next day, Catherine. And she too is beautiful. Katya is from Russia and came here for adoption when she was 13. It seemed as though we instantly connected. She is Christian Mom, but not to pushy, and so sweet, and relaxed. I loved getting to know her better yesterday, she is a wonderful Mom and a great new friend. Again I am blessed.

Today we went to Gymboree finally! She went to a level 1 class. We had a new teacher, Angelia. She seems very nice and the class was done exceptionally well. It was strange being there with my child. This is my turf, and it is so hard to not sing at the top of my lungs and jump ahead. I am learning to be a mommy instead of a teacher. So anyway, we signed up. Daniel had a great time with Delilah, he wanted to do the introduction and massage. It was fantastic. In her class there are three other boys, and it was very clear she was the only girl. Why? Because through out the class she was cooing and awing and YELLING! Everyone else was so quiet, and she was Ms. I am going to talk over my teacher and grab the attention. So funny. When it came time to the parachute I was not sure how things would go. Well, it was sheer amazement and happiness, of which I have photos. Of she loved it. And I loved that.

Delilah has taught me that I cannot get enough of her. In everything she does I find joy. Even her tears. I need her think often more than she needs me. There is a love so strong there are no such words to describe it. I have so much fun with her, everyday, we have a great time. I love that I can play and giggle and roll around with her. I love that I can cuddle and snuggle and watch a movie with her ( the movie is more of my sake....okay?). I love that when she is self sufficient I feel like I need her even more. I love that I know no matter what may come, this love will NEVER go away, and NEVER change.

Spinning Squirrel and The Banana Eater

So today was not such a good day. Delilah was all messed up with her sleep last night which totally threw today off. We got up early, and got ready to set out for our park date....and on the way ( of which I got lost! and did not make!) I hit my very first animal....a poor squirrel. There was NOTHING I could do, he ran under my car. I was/am heartbroken. OVER A SILLY Squirrel. Let me tell you, not a good way to start the day. In addition Delilah only slept 30 minutes today, she was all messed up from yesterday, which is now spilling to tomorrow since she just went down, 10 until midnight. She had a slight fever today, and a runny nose. I think she may seriously be teething. My poor baby. The worst thing is I cannot seem to comfort her. I love that little munchkin.

Delilah tried bananas today, with help from her Grand"smom". She loved them! I am not really feeding her solid food seriously yet, just a feeding or two every couple of days. More to help with weight per the pediatrician, but I still believe she gets most of her nutrition from breast milk at this point, and should! At around 6 months I will start regular feedings. Not to mention I do not think she really gets too much in her mouth yet at most of it lands on her clothes.

Nothing else new, just preparing for a weird day tomorrow as is our night began way too late. Delilah has taught me today that through breast feeding, that I can and need to slow down. Since she does not allow me to do anything other than watch her, or TV while feeding her, including talking on the phone, that cuts a lot of time out of my day, as I feed her on demand. And the best part is, I like it. I like that she is teaching me to slow down, shut off and shut up for awhile. After all does anything else in the world matter at that moment, I think not.

Foot in mouth and a wonderful date

So last night Daniel got to experience his "first" with Delilah. I feel so selfish because I get to spend all day with her so I see many firsts, where as Daniel gets the still new but not a first experience, definitely not as cool. Anyway, last night while he was bathing her she somehow figured out that she can get her toes into her mouth. It was the cutest thing ever! And I am so so so glad he could have the sheer excitement and joy of seeing her figure something new out! I love it. Now, much like her rolling over, it is non-stop tasty toes.

Daniel arranged for Delilah to stay with Lenore a little longer than usual tonight, and surprised me this week with a date. He took me to Stanford's in Walnut Creek, very nice! We had such a nice time. A good glass of wine, some tasty food and kisses, and nice donuts it was great! And as we were talking, the best part about it was going to pick up our daughter together, fully enjoying our time as a couple and then again as a family. I fall more and more in love with my husband. Yes there are times when we are not "close" but I never loose my love for him. There are even days when I do not like him that much, but I am the most blessed wife there is. I can never imagine my life, my heart with out him, my other half, the better half of me. We so needed time together, time just to be in love.

Today on my way around int he car, in between chores, I found myself in deep, very emotional prayer. Having the time in the car, by myself, with nothing but my thoughts and a little Third Day, I prayed like I haven't prayed in years. I wasn't sure at first what I was praying about, I just let go, let God... so to speak. I realized he has answered every one of my prayers, granted not in the ways I had imagined, not in the time I had expected, but that is what makes it so rich, so wonderful. And yet the sad part was I had not realized all of this until today. I am blessed, and still have so much to ask of God. But I guess that is the human part of me, the part that needs Him, always, and that is why He is there. I have chosen a path in the last year that has fears, a path that for the first time in my life is so responsible, so clear and healthy, and that is new to me, and scary, and I have doubts about it, but I know, just as God has done before, he will come through, carrying me now, just as He has done before.

Delilah has been teaching me lately to look deeper into things. That even if things are good on the surface, sometimes you need to pick the scab to help the wound heal. Sorry that was kind of gross. But what I mean is I am learning to look at thing close, to challenge my comfort zone. I love that Delilah is helping me to dig deeper into things that sometimes are too placid.

Walking in my Neighborhood

Today Delilah and I ventured not too far, for once. We took a nice, long walk in my neighborhood. And the "hood" part is right. This is the first place I have ever lived where I do not feel entirely safe walking at anytime of the day. What a way to live! Granted we even live in a better part of the city, but still. Maybe it is that maternal instinct or something, but I feel far more fearful than I ever have in my life and I am not a fearful person/

We walked the perimeter of our complex, with a friend, and then we went our own ways. I continued on further down the road. I walk and walk, hoping to stumble upon something nice, a hidden neighborhood or street. It did not happen. I want so desperately to want to walk close to home, to find a sanctuary outside to match the one I have created inside. But I cannot here and that makes me sad. I feel to blessed to have been raised in the small town where I grew up, even bad things felt removed. Then with each subsequent move I found a nice place to retreat too. But here I have not, and that is foreign. I see so much hatred and anger in this town. So much sadness and pain. Expressed through broken windows, graffiti houses, and drug deals...even in my own parking lot. My community is finally putting up gates, but sometimes the gates only keep the bad from leaving, not always from getting in. I love our apartment, I feel like it is such a bright and peaceful place, most of the time. But then again I fear that something will go haywire on the street and we will be hurt. Silly to think this way, and I never would have thought this way before Delilah, but it changes when you are protecting another life.

I don't usually mind taking the car and going somewhere for a walk, I do that often, but it would be nice to feel as if I had the option to find a nice walk close to home.

I feel as if I am finally finding the me time I have needed. I started scrap booking Delilah's book. It is so nice, even to sit for 10 minutes and work on a page, it brings so much creative energy to the forefront, allowing that to spill over into other areas of my life. For instance, last night, I stayed up past when I put Delilah down, and I dyed my hair. Something so simple changed how I felt out myself today. It also helped me to feel like I am caring for myself a little more. I just need to work on the sleep thing.

Speaking of....Delilah sleeps pretty well, I cannot complain. She has been falling asleep in her crib on her own now for almost two weeks. The thing is at around 3ish she starts to cry, so I wait, and she cries so I go and get her and bring her to our bed, and she nurses, and stays attached until about 10 in the morning. Well this does not allow for very restful sleep for me. I know she can go much longer with out eating than that, but what to do? So I think tonight ( ahh not looking forward to this!) I am going to get up and nurse her in room then put her back in her crib. And then wait a little longer when she cries. I have only brought her to my bed so I can get some rest. I figure a few nights of little sleep to "train" her will pay off in the long run, we shall see. I am at a loss, wish me luck.

Delilah taught me today the value of community. Things I never appreciated before, things I took for granted, I am now beginning to see the value of. I take pride in where I live. I feel that a home, a community is an extension of oneself, and I want that to be true in my life. I value the "village" I have helping to raise my daughter, the good friends I have to help dispense advice, and most of all the core family of love that I am so blessed with. It takes a lot to make a community, and if everyone took a little pride in the greater communities of their lives then it would make it that much nice for everyone else.

To Let Love help me Pray

"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:18

I need to love with more than my words, and let me tell you, it is really hard sometimes. I want so desperately to live a life of Christ for me, and my child. Why? Because even if Christ is not the Lord and Savior, he was a man of love and compassion, something we all need a little more of. Someone we all should model our lives after. I sometimes find myself getting caught up in what others say, getting sucked into gossip and trash talking, and the hardest part is, I hate it, it is not who I truly am. I have also been struggling with being judgemental lately. Not thinking I am better than, but believing others should be better than they are. Who am I to judge them? Who am I to say what they should or should not be doing? I have no ground to stand on. Sometimes I wish I could start over with people, wipe the slate clean on which we have built a relationship and show them who I truly am, a child of God.

I know that my heart will show through, but honestly it is embarrassing behavior sometimes. And although a majority of the world does not see this behavior as anything abnormal, I do, because we live in a world where love is not the first thing show, we live in a world where fear and anger is shown, and I do not want that in my life.

I have been struggling with finding a community to grow my faith. Back in Petaluma I had a great group of people, I felt like I could challenge the Word of God and have him answer back so loudly it hurt. Now, I can hardly hear him. Dan and I have been to a few churches around, but none, seem to be the fit. I need a "home" to raise my child in. A home where I as the more "seasoned christian" can help guide my husband in his new, and fragile faith. And grow my marriage. I need a home where I can go and be sick and walk away feeling healed. I am needing this so much I can feel it in my soul. The other hard part is my child sleeps until 10am...most churches start at 10. Ahh... I know if I pray hard enough it will happen, for that I have faith. I just need to pray more...the catch....

Delilah taught me today that I need to ground myself. That I cannot go running around crazy like and expect to actually be productive. Delilah taught me that being bonded is a good and a bad thing, that the need to branch out and experience new things is important in order to gain comfort in unknown situations. Delilah has also taught me to pray again...

ahh the weekend

Delilah and I were sick this weekend. Actually since like Thursday, but really sick this weekend. Delilah nursed almost constantly which drained me even more. My weekend is supposed to be the time to set up for the week, to get ahead of things, but not this weekend. I have folded laundry on the couch, dishes in the sink, dirty bathrooms, and I am too tired to care. And yet it is cyclical which means the piles are only going to grow....I feel like I am never going to get ahead again. Man I miss the days when being sick was feeling sorry for myself, now it is like falling WAY far behind in life. But you know, it shows me that I need to slow down.

Delilah is feeling better but I brought her back in out bed last night because she is sick too. So that adds a little more unrest for me.

Today Delilah has taught me that being sick is sometimes a sign to just stay in bed and take care of oneself. Tomorrow might be the same.

Scattered and TOTALLY CRAZY!

I have always had a tendency to over do things in life. To please everyone and everything besides myself first, then leaving little or no time for me. I had been doing better with this the last year or so, or at least I had thought. Delilah has her schedule pretty well set, and I try to follow it to the best of my ability. Now we are adding the "solid" food feedings which changes a few things believe it or not. Anyway, Monday my Dad usually comes out, Tuesday I usually go to Berkeley in the morning and some out of the home chores on my way home, Wednesday is my play date day, or other friend's time, Thursday is Parenting group in the Morning, and the afternoon is Delilah's time with Lenore so I can get my not possible with baby chores done, Friday is a stay at home day, people can come to me day, Saturday is a get things done day, go out with family and friends ( and ideally I would love to get to a gymboree class, yet to happen!) and Sunday, the goal is church, however that arena is a whole other mess right now. So my life is scheduled out. NO MORE! Not to mention I have somehow manage to cook and clean. But the real problem is I do not feel like I have enough time to just be at home and hang with my kid. We both need that. So, I am trying to recollect and find what really matters. For the first 3 months of Delilah's life, we always went to others, now I am having those come to us. No more over extending because the one who really is suffers is my little one.

I needed to recollect myself this week, to stay at home, putter and play, and most of all, not worry about appointments, play dates, family, friends, cooking, cleaning. And so far, I have yet to accomplish this. So, my vow starting next Monday to start for one week to do only what I want to do, and I am going NO WHERE unless I want to go somewhere. Sometimes you just need to be at home.

Delilah is yet again teaching me to readjust my life in a way that demands of myself first then others. That I can only care for those around me if I have cared for myself first. I need to get back in touch with myself spiritually, and physically I want to be where I was 4 years ago when I met my husband. I am tired of this body that I feel does not belong to me. I am wanting to regain my creative side again, to scrapbook, to paint, to journal for me! And I am going to do this, and I will find the time, somewhere. So for this week, back to basics, as my darling daughter is teaching me, sometimes it is okay to be selfish and cry for what you want!

Putting her down to sleep

So as of right now my child is asleep in her crib. That is not the big thing, the big thing is I put her down awake. I nursed her, she fell asleep, as usual, however the deal is every time I go to put her down she wakes up, well, I let her stay in her crib, she talked, cried a little, fussed, then got quiet. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! I want to start this now because I have seen too many parents go through struggles when it comes to bed time, and I will not have that. Ahh. Also going back to school one night a week will change things, my Dad or Daniel will be putting her to sleep which means no nursing, so, I needed to start this now. I am so relieved, so long periods of tears.

Tomorrow I am meeting with a lady who I met in Starbucks a couple weeks ago. She was very pregnant at the time, and had the cutest little boy with her. We started chatting, and sure enough clicked! So we are having a play date at the park, I am very excited. I feel like every where I go I meet new, fantastic people. I am finally feeling like I did years ago, where making friends is easy again. When I first moved out here I relied on my husband's friends, well now I not only have my own, but Dan and I are expanding our friendships as a couple. I love this, always something to do.

This is a quick blog tonight because I am wanting some "chill out time" and since my child is ASLEEP, I am going to take a bubble bath, yay!

Delilah taught me today that I have to face my fears and let self-soothing take its course. That I know I can rescue her, but I need to give her the opportunity to "take care of herself". This is a hard lesson.

A little Me time

This weekend was just what my family needed. Time at home, together, with nothing huge planned, no where to go, no one to please. We enjoyed time on our new couch, went for a walk, went to the grocery store, all very bland, very WONDERFUL things. Back to basics so to speak.

Since this weekend allowed relaxation, I finally feel the creative urge bubbling up again. This blog has helped to get some of that out, but now I am wanting to work on Delilah's Baby book. I want to paint, to scrap book. I need to get my stuff out and start my projects. I send of tons of photos of Delilah, to be printed, maybe I am crazy, but I take at least one photo a day. She changes so much I feel like I need to capture it before it disappears. I find Delilah inspires me to to rediscover my passions, to find what I lost a long time ago. She is teaching me that if I slow down, and relax I can get back to what really matters. My house gets cleaned, my family gets fed, and then it is my time. If I don't have some "me" time then there is no other time it seems, I cannot catch my breath, I cannot recollect to start all over again. Fortunately Delilah is the kind of baby that allows me to have "me" to me sometimes. She is such a happy content baby that I can step out of the room if I need to to just center myself. I did take that for granted before I had her, but now every moment of that means a lot.

Today Delilah just wanted to be close. Which is good, but I realized since she has now discovered that she can sit up and out, she want to be close while being "independent", so we are learning together how to make this work. She is asleep on time tonight which is good, since yesterday her schedule ( of which she has set) was kind of messed up. I am glad today was Sunday and Dan was home, so as he could help get things back on track. I hate that tomorrow is Monday and he goes back to work. Win the lotto? yeah..........

Delilah taught me today that not all babies are created equal. That I see many parent struggle with being a parent, partially it is them, partially it is their child. Personalities clash, despite how big or little the person, or personalities may be. Daniel and I are very blessed as our little family blends well, and is so full of love, it is hard not to smile, hug and kiss.
** DID I EVER MENTION THAT MY SPELLING AND GRAMMAR ARE ATROCIOUS? So sorry....

Barley Cereal and a new couch

So yesterday evening Delilah had her 1st "solid" food. The doctor recommended we start feeding her some cereal with breast milk to help "put some fat on that tiny body". So that is what we did. And she LOVED IT! We had her sit in her bumbo seat while we all sat at the table. Daniel video taped as we fed her barley and breast milk. It was so sweet. IT WENT EVERYWHERE! I loved every moment of it. She was not sure at first but by the end she thought it was the best thing ever. Today my Mother in Law fed her again, and she kept trying to put the spoon in her mouth on her own. It is all happening so fast.

Her check up went well, she is 11 lbs. 8 oz and her head circumference is 15. Still a little small, but the doctor said she is "advanced physically". Like he had to tell me, just kidding! It is nice to see her doing so well since she did come so darn early. Anyway, back in a month for a weight check!

Daniel had a good time in New York, and is glad to be home. I am glad he is home too. I am not sure how single Moms do it, more power to them! I did miss him. So since he came home he missed Delilah so much she slept in our bed again the last two nights, however, right now, she is in her crib, so pray it stays that way most of the night?

We also got a new couch. I love it. I feel so grown up sometimes, like hello, I am still 17 in my mind, I should not be paying bills, cooking, cleaning, and being a mom, let alone buying a couch! But hey, it is a nice place to sit!

Delilah taught me this week that the warmth of a human can bring much peace and comfort. I had missed having Daniel home and in our bed, but I also missed my little one. The breath of a child is so sweet, so calming, it taught me, instinctively to slow down and really rest. And trust me, I need it this week!

** I just heard a strange noise coming from the monitor, I have it placed in the crib, I go in and she is playing with it! PLAYING WITH IT! The most wonderfully surprising child! I just love it!

Burning Rice and a Big Baby Bed

So as my child lay peacefully in her crib, of which she spend 2/3 of the night last night ( I went and got her because my bed was too big!) I smell rice, but hot rice, BURNING RICE! I rushed out to the kitchen to see my house FILLED with smoke! What the heck? It has only been on the stove a matter of minutes! So I take it off the stove, run water over it and fan out the house. What a close call that was. I still am not sure why it happened. There was plenty of water on the top, so who knows. Forget the rice, it is a pizza night.

Delilah went for her 4 month physical today. She weighed in at 11lbs 8oz and 24 inches long. Her head was 15. GREAT! The doctor says she is still kind of small, so he said to go ahead and start some rice cereal mixed with breast milk. However, he said he was not too concerned since she is developing well other wise. He said physically she is advanced. She rolls from front to back and back to front, he saw her sit on her own ( which I guess is early), and she has been attempting to "crawl" while on her belly. That head still seems a touch too heavy to actually get anywhere. So she checked out okay. I am one proud Mama. She did get two shots, I cried too, it is so hard to hear that cry. Now she is one sleepy baby!

Tomorrow Daniel comes home, I am so glad. Amazing how much I have missed him. However the time has gone by fast. It will be nice to have his body back in bed. So Delilah will try her rice cereal tomorrow. I want to wait so Dan can experiance this as well. I am so excited!

Today Delilah taught me that baby talk is quite informative. She really gets her point across. That communication is possible, even if the same language is not spoke, if one pays attention. I

4 months

Today is Delilah's 4 month birthday. Crazy to think that she should only technically be 2 months three weeks. Amazed at how well she is doing, how she is not only surviving, but thriving. I am feeling very blessed that she is the baby she is. She is funny, snugly, calm, smiley, giggly and most of all lovable. I put her in her crib tonight, this is the first night, so far it has been 23 minutes, but hey who's counting? I thinking I am having a harder time than she ( well obviously since she is asleep!). It is even harder since Daniel is away on business. I am in a big bed, which suddenly became even bigger! I am not sure how this will play out tonight. I have a feeling I may need her in my bed. Funny to fight with myself over something I so desperately want, a child who sleeps well in her own bed. Anyway, we hopefully will finally start using her room for more than a diaper change!

As I reflect on the last four months I am overwhelmed by how many things have happened. Most very positive. Delilah has grown so much, and seems to be mostly happy, except for those silly teeth that are bugging her. We are going to the doctor tomorrow for her 4 month physical and for the first time I am not fearful, nor do I have something other than normal baby behavior to report ( or at least I think). I cannot believe at just how fast this is going, many parents have said to me that it goes incredibly fast, they were not joking.

Delilah has taught me more about what life really means than anything ever before. She has taught me to go and get what ever I want, to strive to be the best at what ever I do. She has also taught me how to be humble, and how to stand up for what I believe, and mostly she has taught me a kind of love I knew not existed. Happy 4 month birthday little girl....

School Daze?

I have committed a HUGE part of my life to school. I will be starting October 29,2008. I am scared. My head feels so fuzzy with all the info, the new path I had planned on starting two years from now. But now, I am starting soon, am I ready? This is a lot of money, and time. I decided I wanted to go for my BS in Business/ Management. I figure this way I can then double major in master of Counseling like I had originally wanted to do way back in high school. This offers so many options I had yet to think of. I will be attending University of Phoenix in Concord. I am also more excited about learning than I have EVER been. I am also so blessed because I can go ahead and stay at home with Delilah like planned and go one night a week and still finish with in two years. Such a God thing.

I had been struggling with what I wanted to do for so long, always getting discouraged by what others had to say in regards to my ideas, but not this time. I know I can be a stay at home mommy who has a degree and a career. A mommy who shows her daughter that you can go and get whatever you want in life and that NO ONE can stop you. For the first time in my life I felt like I had total control over my decision to change my life. That is a great feeling.

Today was a good and empowering day. Delilah has taught me that I can not only set the example for her, but for myself too. That I can go and get what I want, if I really want it I will make it work. Delilah taught me also today that baby kisses make the good day even better.

Delilah and Her Daddy

I am blessed. I already knew I was blessed before tonight, but tonight reinforced it. My husband is a great Dad, also a great husband. The best part is, Delilah adores him. At times this is hard for me, he can come home after a long day, scoop up the babe that has been crying for a couple of hours and some how, all of a sudden, she is okay. She stops crying, settles into her Daddy, and even cracks a few smiles. When I try EVERYTHING to make that happen, all she needs is him. That is good.

As we lay in bed this evening, Delilah in the middle, singing songs to her, watching her coo and smile, giggle and curl into a ball with excitement, I realized how unique our family is. Our family maybe small but it has a big heart. I love spending time together, and it seems as though that is not all too common. As I watch some friends travel the same life roads as I, I see my life taking such a different path than those around me. A path a little less bumpy, a little less scary, and I see how easy the choice is for them to choose another path, and then I get it. I get that I have faith, love and peace in my life which guides me. That God is there, showing me that my rough ride was a couple years ago, now my choice is that of love and trust. And I like that. I like that I am taking Delilah with me down this road rather than one of instability. I have also learned that if you put something out to the universe, that it does indeed come back. I am getting to be so blessed by so many good friendships, it makes my heart so happy. I felt like for so long I was giving and giving of my heart and soul, draining myself, so there was little left for me. And now, all of that love and happiness is coming back 10 fold, with new friendships with people who offer just as much as I have to give. That is a true gift.

My blessing for the day was the outdoors and good family and friends. Delilah taught me that today it is okay to have a preference for one person over another depending on where you are in your life. That sometimes someone has for you what the other does not.

A home is love

So today was a blessed day. I was able to see my godson Andrew again. I have missed him so much. That little life that brought so much joy. He is still the same blue eyed blond haired boy, sweet as can be just, BIGGER! Anyway, I am so glad I was able to spend a couple of hours with him.

I am having a hard time, a hard time with feeling like my time is not my time. That I give to everyone else. Not to my kid or to my husband, that is problem. Everyday someone wants me and Delilah somewhere, I want a week where we don't have to go anywhere, where we can just be at home and people can come to us. I don't want to go out except places that Delilah and I want to go, the park, the store, gymboree! I am also tired of feeling obligated to be at every event that people hold. I feel blessed that people what us around, but at the same time I wish they would leave us alone. I am tired today so I think that is why I am feeling the way I am.

Delilah was particularly funny today. As I arrived in the trader Joe's parking lot, she was fussy. I was helping to put her in the front pack for my Dad, and then I smelled it. Sure enough this is the 5th day in row where she as EXPLODED. She filled both pant legs today. WHAT A MESS! AHH. I even tried new diapers, nope does not matter she is just good at what she does. She also is now a giggling fiend. I love it.

• Today Delilah taught me to appreciate the home we have. I love that we the space and environment we have. That Delilah has brought a sense of peace and love to our home. A sense of calmness and sunlight. I love her toys and I love the laughter she brings. Delilah taught me you can make any place a home, as long as your bring love. Sappy I know, but it is true.

A rolly pully oly!

So on Friday night Delilah was playing on the floor and I was sitting with her. Dan was working on his laptop near by. We were talking and I mentioned I thought Delilah would probably roll over by the end of the weekend. She had been trying so hard, she was almost was over, it was that one silly arm that would not allow her to. So, sure enough right as I said that, "PLOP!" and she went over. It scared the snot out of her, so as I decided whether to laugh, cry, or do both, I scooped her up and gave her kisses and praise! I put her back down and she continued to roll over until she was exhausted. She gets quite frustrated once she gets to her belly. She makes a crawling motion, but that head, it just seems to get so heavy after a while! So I flip her back and we start all over again. It was all very exciting. In the same day she also started her "sleepy baby" eye rub. At first I thought it was accidental, then I realized she is doing it intentionally. Amazing how fast one little person learns to control their world.

As I watch my little one embark on this physically and mentally challenging step in her little life I begin to question how the big things in life become so little. I was missing the days when all I cared about was coming home from school, meeting my neighborhood buddies and riding bikes. Where my only worries were picking up my barbies and doing my homework. Now I am in charge of a little thing that is so very big. I am molding a human life, forever.

I have been reading a really good parenting book, not that I think I need an author to tell me how to raise my kid, but that is WHY I chose to read it, because I don't think I need it which most likely means I do. But as I read it I find myself getting frustrated at so many parents in this world. That what seems like simple parenting concepts, things that are so logical and positive seem so over looked, or "too difficult". I know I cannot rescue the world from pain and hurt, but it is hard to stand by and not shake parents by the shoulders and say " WHY DID YOU HAVE A KID IF YOU REALLY DIDN'T WANT THE 'TROUBLE' OF RAISING THEM?!". I believe that many parents have children for selfish reasons, when this should be the most selfless act there is. An act of pure love, and act of patients and guidance. An act to learn from and ENJOY learning from. AHHHH!

I was concerned when I had Delilah that I would get tired of playing with her on the floor, or taking her to the park, or singing to her, but you know, I realize I love doing those things. I love explaining things, watching her learn new things, and I realized that I love it because I love her. I love her so much it is emotionally confusing! To feel so many emotions all at once for one person. I find moments of sentiment, like her rolling over, bitter sweet. I am happy, over joyed, yet so sad too. Happy that she is growing and changing, and sad that she is growing and changing. Who would have guessed you can feel two conflicting emotions for the same thing!

Delilah has taught me today that I know I can be a good parent. I know I will not be a perfect parent, but she taught me that I am willing to try to provide a life where she can grow up feeling smart, valued, responsible, and most of all loved. And that I will do all of this through good times and challenging times.

belly laugh

Delilah laughed her first, repetitive belly laugh today. I picked her up from Grandma pinchy, and got stuck in traffic coming home. There was a Maroon 5 concert at the Pavilion so we sat. And she cried. Oh goodness, those tears, that deeply sad cry breaks my heart. So finally we get home and with great relief for both of us she was able to get out and stretch. So I we play, and nurse and then I got her ready for her bath. Our routine is nakey time on the floor while I run the tub. So as the tub was running I lean over her and sing the Maroon 5 song that goes something like, " I don't mind spending everyday, out on the corner in the pouring rain"...etc. etc. and so fourth. Well when I sang she will be loved she giggled and giggled and giggled. I called Dan in and she kept doing it. What pure joy. For both of us. She has laughed before, but this was the first true belly laugh. And I loved it, and I laughed.

It seems as if in the last 24 hours she has grown. Amazing, but true. As I went through her draws and closet today, I began pulling out 6-9 month clothes as my dear daughter has almost out grown the 3 months in length. Anyway, as I separated her newborn clothes into three piles, donate, sell and hold on to, I began to get a little weepy. I am having a hard time with the fact that she is growing so fast. That my sweet baby is getting so big, I feel like I am not getting enough of this moment. That I will forget everything. I want to bottle her. Her smell, her fingers, her little nose, and that sweet smile with sweet breath. And still I am happy to be exactly where we are. And I look forward to the next stage. So as I TRIED to not save every piece of small adorable clothing, for the sake of memory, I am finding myself already reminiscing about her past. Although a small past, she has one, and I am so glad I have the time to spend every moment with her, because I would be broken hearted to miss any smile from my little monkey.

Today Delilah taught me that I am blessed to have the moments I have with her. I met a Mom today in Starbucks ( a new friend I hope) who has and 18 month old boy Alexander, and is having a little girl tomorrow, Catherine. Anyway, as we chatted she mentioned that she had a daughter pass away at three months from SIDS. It made me so sad. She said that it showed her to not take one moment for granted. So, if I had not had Delilah there, I would not have met Katusha, there for not taken that small, yet so powerful of a statement. I will never take one moment with Delilah for granted, even our "hard" moments. I love her. And now, I live my life for her.

Good Night!

So today was a weird day. Delilah and I both got off to a strange start. The feel in the air was just off. She was restless all through the night, fighting sleep, which threw off her schedule. Then today we had plans that took us away from home, so that contributed even further. So as I sit here, and hour and a half past her bed time, and watch my child fight sleep I wonder how I can fix this. Not for my sake, but her hers. She is so tired. She even did her first "eye rub" today. Sad and exciting all at the same time. I fear tomorrow will only exasperate the situation further as Dan is having his tooth extracted and Delilah goes to her grandma's. So much for my couple hours to myself....oh well.
I had a nice dinner with my Dad and my sister Kirsten tonight. Delilah also joined us. It was strange being out with the two of them together, since we all had not shared a meal together in almost 8 years. I learned one thing for sure, all bathrooms in Petaluma smell the same, of dried paint, cow dookie, and old building. I guess I miss my home town and I don't miss it. The green and openness I miss, but the world inside of Petaluma I do not.

I am finding it strange how much Delilah is changing daily. It seems as though it is all happening so fast. Her facial expressions are not that of a brand new baby any more, she is growing, making me wonder what she is going to be like as an older child, a teenager, and an adult, but at the same time not wanting any of those things to happen. I had terrible dream last night that somehow Delilah was switched with another baby while out in public, this little baby I brought home had teeth, and looked like Delilah except she was older and had WAY TOO MANY CHOMPERS! So, I think I am having teething anxiety. We shall see how this one unfolds.

Delilah taught me today that one little soul can bridge together one big gap in hearts. That a common bond and ground can be found through new life of sorts. She also taught me that I can fall more in love with her and her Father every day, in a way I knew not possible.

Well thank the inventor of the swing, my child is FINALLY asleep despite all efforts on my part. I guess sometimes one must give into the world of mechanical baby devices. Off to bed with us.

Teething Fears and Tears

Yesterday should have been a day skipped. Daniel stayed home "sick" his stomach hurt, which by my standards was not really that bad, but eh, us women tend to push through the sicknesses until they are so bad they knock us off our feet. Anyway, having him around is hard enough, during the week. WHY? Because when he is home I feel like I cannot get anything done, and some how my house seems to throw up everything it owns, dishes left out and in the sick, trash piles up, laundry on the floor, it makes me crazy! It is not like the house it dirty, it just gets messy, and seems to grow when he is home. I find too I want to spend time with him so I put off doing other things. Granted, we had a nice time relaxing on our porch and playing with Delilah, but really it takes two days to make up for one. In addition Delilah cried almost all day unless she was being held, or in her swing. She nursed almost non-stop, but it was more of a comforting nurse than anything else. So I tried everything, finally Tylenol. I did not know what else to do. I believe my daughter is teething.

I realize that some babies, although rare, are born with teeth ( a little freaky, but hey), and many get teeth before 6 months. BUT NOT MY KID! She is already a biter of sorts, or should I say gummer. I cannot imagine what it will be like with razor sharp puppy teeth biting the most sensitive and tender area of my body! AH! My darling drool bucket convinced me to call the Dr. and bring her in, so...today was her visit. No ear ache, which is great, and yes the beginning stages of teething, but he said it can be a couple months before we even seen teeth. A COUPLE MONTHS?! So I have a couple months of inconsolable crying? Oh my goodness? I realize it won't be that bad. I found some homeopathic teething drops, mostly because I found out baby orajel can be toxic, and two I am a hippie no matter how I cut it. So Tylenol, drops, nursing and a lot of love hopefully will do the trick.

P.S. she also got a shot...ehhhh.

Delilah taught me two great things today, one, you can sell any toy to any parent if a child laughs in response to it. I was just perusing the isles at Target, picked up a really cool looking bug toy, it laughed, Delilah laughed and the three grandma's and one expecting parent picked it up, they sold out. I was one who also purchased this toy, why? Because I too am a sucker for baby laughs.
Delilah also taught me that I love to learn new things. I have been teaching her Spanish and Hebrew, also a touch of German. The Hebrew and German I am learning right along with her, the Spanish I know most of the basics, however as she grows so will the knowledge which means I will have to learn more along with her. Also I was listening to the WEE Sing for Babies, I am learning so many new songs. I love it, and she seems to enjoy my singing too, as she oooo oooo ooo oooo's a long with me. That is right my child sings like a monkey, seriously.

So I better go crawl into bed with my family, bundle up, it is windy and chilly here, and pray that with a little patients I can make it through my daughters tears with out my heart breaking. Also please pray for my friend and her baby Aubree, as she is facing some possible medical challenges, that my friend realizes that all will be okay and that God won't give her more than she can handle.

Social Butterfly

Today was our friend, Rob's birthday. He is the father of a little 11 month old named Kiera. She is wonderful, and so is he, in fact so is his wife. In the recent months we all have become quite good friends. It is so nice to be surrounded by parents whom adore and love their children! He reminds me so much of Daniel, so into his daughter, wrapped around her little finger. Daniel and Rob are both quite sensitive and doting. I feel blessed to have them in our lives. Anyway, we went to Rob and Jess' new home for a fantastic party. Delilah seems to really enjoy herself at these kinds of events, she is passed from person to person and does incredibly well, not crying or fussing at all. She is a little social butterfly. I guess she gets that one from me.

I have been feeling so full filled lately in regards to friendships. I feel like since Delilah has arrived I have been branching out more, meeting new friends and growing once stagnant relationships. Having so many wonderful people in our lives has been great. I feel like no matter what issue may arise I have at least one person to turn to depending on what it may be. I had dear friend from elementary school contact me this last month, we had not spoken in nearly 12 years, she too is married and has a little 4 month old. It was like we picked up where we left off. And so many new friends from parenting groups, or networking. And my good old die hard relationships, which seem to always be there when I need them, you know who you are! I feel so blessed that I can raise my child with so many awesome people around her. And me too! Friendships have been such a wonderful filling in my life. I feel like many are family, an extension, and from many friendships I am "gaining" new families. Friend's parents and siblings soon feel as if they are mine own, and seems to be reciprocal. That means so much.

Things have really changed for me in the last few years. Yes externally, I am married, have a baby, have had a serious career. However I mean more internally. I never would have imagined my life could be so comfortable, so full of wonderful things. I was thinking today that it is hard for me to find a "bad part" of my life. Daniel and I always have a "check in" everyday, question being " what was the best part of your day," and "what was the worst part of your day, and how could you have changed that?". I have a hard time finding a "worst part of my day". Often it is something silly like I am a dork and tipped over the laundry detergent ( which let me tell you is a pain in the behind to clean up...funny how something that is meant to clean is a pain to clean..? another blog perhaps?). So if that is the worst part of my day then I do not have much to complain about. And really that is about as bad as my life gets. Granted I have my days where I feel like the world should leave me the heck alone. That I want to sit on the pity pot and live in sorrow, but it is only a day, at most and it really is hormonal. I have a hard time with relationships with family sometimes, purely because I get frustrated watching the ones I love make things more complicated for themselves, and it irks me. And granted Dan and I have our biffs every now and again, but in the big scheme of things my life is good, really good. I feel like a totally different person that I was emotionally 5 years ago. That my appreciation for things is greater and my tolerance is much more. I love myself, which in turn allows me to love others. What a concept. Now...I still have to work on this body image thing...what is up with Mrs. Doughboy...JUST KIDDING! Anyway, I am glad I can feel the way I feel because I believe in my heart that it will bless Delilah allowing her to grow up feeling secure.

So, Delilah taught me today that being open and relaxed brings so many blessings that will forever be in our lives. That allowing myself to let go and let God, fills my soul and my family's soul with grace, love and peace.

waking on the wrong side of the bed

Today, a good day in hindsight, however we did not make it to our gymboree class. Why? My sweet child decided to sleep in, and if you ask me, that is fine fine fine. The last couple of mornings she has been stirring awake but not opening her eyes and crying, so I pick her up and she cries until I nurse her back to sleep. This continues a couple of times for a couple of hours. So today instead of fighting it, I let her sleep, and I slept to....and the day was grand.

I realized today just how much I love waking up to see that cute little face beside me. I do not care anymore about what some researchers say about co-sleeping, it works for me and my family. Everyone says "what about needing time for the two of you?". Well during those nights when I need that extra rest, or when Dan and I want sometime we have a bassinet. But for now my little one cuddles with me and her Dad. Now, granted she will not be there until she is 15, until she is sleeping solidly through the night and not needing to get up to be nursed. Then I will move her. As of now she sleeps from about 10:30 until 3 or 4ish, nurses goes back to sleep until 5-6ish nurses, back to sleep until 7:30 or 8. So our night really is not that bad.

Delilah taught me today that even non-crawlers are "mobile" as we discovered together. Dan and I watched her roll the complete perimeter of her play blanket. So exciting! When we first brought her home she was rolling over, that stopped at around 6 weeks, now she rolls to her side, almost to her belly then back....so we are getting close! I also learned today that even 3.5 month old's have minds of their own! She knows what she wants when she wants it and gosh darn it she is going to get it....oh goodness.

My feeling for the day was over all a little concerned as I read more about Dr. Sara Palin. I am concerned because I have a feeling she and McCain will be voted into office in November, and that as a team and individually they are not ready. I am not going to post my political views, but I do not believe the better of the nation is ready for Obama simply because he is a black man, so McCain is the choice. I do not agree. BUT, what makes me the angriest is that so many people my age are not voting! This is OUR future, OUR choice, it is time to take control and VOTE! This is also my child's future, and for her I will do anything. That is my ranting and raving for the day.

A raw nerve

My poor husband has hit a nerve, literally. He still has all of wisdom teeth and has been avoiding having them removed. Well now there is no choice. He has broke the crown off of one of them and now the nerve is exposed. I can only imagine the discomfort he is feeling. I was supposed to head out tomorrow with some girl friends to go wine tasting, however he is currently taking some pain killers that prevent him from functioning to his fullest, so I must forgo the tasting and take care of my two babies. In all reality though, I am pulled more towards caring for my family even though it would be fun, my instinct is to be near and comforting, I just hope the ladies understand that.

There is a lighter side, tomorrow I have the opportunity to take Delilah to her 1st gymboree class since I will be home. How exciting it is to be on the other side, to be the parent not the teacher or the manager! I CANNOT WAIT! Her little world is growing so big now. Today was not such a good day, she really woke up on the wrong side of the bed, a grumpy pants day as we call it in our household. I hope tomorrow is a better day. I began to get worried because I thought maybe she was getting sick since all she did was cry or sleep today, but Delilah taught me to be patient and not to jump ahead of myself, which I have a tendency to do.

Delilah also taught me something else VERY important yesterday. That I love the fact that I consider myself a "crunchy hippie" but cloth diapers scare me. I tried one for the first time last night, okay okay, not a big deal. Well of course the first time I put one on her little tush she decided it would a great time to EXPLODE!!! WHAT?! Okay, I realize this is bound to happen, but really did it have to happen the VERY FIRST TIME!?!! So the picture was great, I am up to my elbow with my arm in the toilet rinsing, ringing, flushing, rinsing, ringing, flushing. NO ONE TOLD ME THAT BREAST MILK POOP DOES NOT RINSE OUT! UMMM HELLO?! So I call my dear old Mom and was like what do I do? She decided she wanted to be out at the very moment. Stranded among a poopy mess, lost in shear paralytic fear of the unknown I make a bold move. BLEACH! Bleach solves everything! So I fill the bathroom sink with a bleach solution and plop the mess of a "more environmentally friendly" poop holder in. Thank God for bleach. And thank God for my washer and dryer.

I am not turned off. I am pretty sure I will be a cloth diaper at home mommy and a disposable on the go mommy. I am willing to give this shin-dig another go round, now, the mission to find the right cloth diapers for us...no one told me how obsessed I would be come over the best diapers....what have I become....a raw nerve!

Mommy Potty Mouth?

So today was a good day. I met with a parenting group for the first time as a play date in the park. Not that Delilah is playing in the park, she just would rather lay around a watch the leaves blow in the trees, but hey it was a nice outing. At any rate I met some really neat people. They are all kind of "crunchy" hippie Moms, so I do share some of the same parenting values as they do, however just like all the Moms in the group, I do what feels natural so in some aspects I may not be as extreme as they. I realized today however, that I, like many other parents out there begin to question my own parental judgment based on over thinking, and over reading, not to mention listening to complete strangers and take their every word as parenting gold. Delilah is beginning to teach me to stand up for what I believe is right, and for the first time it is not all about standing up for the sake of standing up for myself, but rather now I am standing up to stand up for Delilah. Time to set out running.

I also realized today in my own little world of Heidiness, that I do indeed have a terrible vocabulary. When I first met my husband I hardly said a cuss word, and I had not heard one come from his mouth until about a year and a half after dating. I realized how susceptible I am to what is around me. I take on my environment. I realize I have been using serious expletives for not so serious things, and that habit came about while hanging around others who do the same. By no means does it justify my mouth, nor excuse it, but is does help to explain it. And I hate it. I realize that half the time I even use these words I am not even thinking if it, and worst of all, I know I am smarter than that. My high school English teacher would always say, and God Bless her for it, "May you find elevated vocabulary please". So that is my new phrase. Elevated vocabulary. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN IN A MOMENT OF SHEAR MADNESS OF A TIRED MIND? It means I need to take a breath and redirect my thinking. Something I want to be able to pass along to my daughter, the ability to find the route of what is causing the need to feel so frustrated. Someone once told me that hurt and anger are "cover feelings" for a larger emotion called fear. I know many times when slimy words exit my gaping mouth it is during a time when I am finding it hard to identify what I am really feeling and go off of a cover emotion. Now is the time to change. And so I hope my husbands mouth will too!

Delilah taught me today that sometimes you do not need a reason to be grumpy, it is okay to just have "moments". Amongst her quick, fleeting emotional states I saw her go from happy to confused to sleepy to hungry to just plain grumpy all in a matter of moments and I realized I do that to, as do I think most of us, I just do not wear them on my sleeve. My question to myself is, was that a learned behavior base on societies standards for what is acceptable, or is it something we all naturally loose, the ability to wear what we are feeling openly?

My Life with Delilah

So my sweet Delilah is turning 16 weeks this Friday and I am having a hard time remembering what my life was all about before her. I find that my days seems to be so filled with joy and excitement that I cannot imagine it any other way. Delilah is now finally settled into a "routine" of her choosing and it is fantastic. She is approaching the time in her little life where she is almost completely self entertaining, but still needs a mom very much. It is so much fun to see her play with her toys, by herself, but get so excited with she suddenly spots her Mommy watching her! And now as we go out, she is looking around and taking in the world in such a pure, non-judgmental way, that I envy her sometimes. The trees are something to be aw-struck by, and I think, when was the last time I really just let the trees capture my whole attention?

She has been teaching me so many things I had never thought I needed to learn before now. Like the gift of "letting go" and enjoying what is happening right now, in this moment. Her sweet smile has been teaching me to smile more, and realize that so often I walk around with an expression of concern rather than joy, when in my world there is no need for anything but happiness. Delilah has been teaching me the enjoyment of true sleep. She is a fantastic sleeper, really we get about 6-8 hours, but to really appreciate sleep is wonderful. And the best, is family.

My husband has a love for our daughter so light and genuine that I find it hard to express with words what I feel when I watch the two of them together. And the likewise love she has for him is so sweet. When he comes home every night and scoops her up, her face lights up with a HUGE smile, a smile that is so flirtatious and sweet. He has the gift of calming her when she cries with his kiss, and I believe that is because she know there are no conditions on his love for her, and never will be. I love to watch the two of them play, to giggle and coo, even happens as he changes her diapers! I am so blessed to have married him, to have him love me so much, and to feel that. My little family is love.

I have realized since having my little girl arrive in this world, how much family means. To me, to her and us to them. I am blessed beyond many to have such a large and happy family. I have the greatness of having three families, my Husband's family whom I adore, and they are all so kind and thoughtful. I am grateful that Delilah spends time every week with her "Grandma Pinchey" and "Papa Boon". That the love and tenderness Delilah receives while with them will forever help shape that little soul and heart into being a strong kind person. I am grateful that they desire to be with their grandchild, and express that openly. I am grateful for my father and "smom", Grandma and Grandpa. The excitement I see when they just watch her, stare at that little sweet face listening to her, waiting for her cuteness to get cuter. I feel blessed that they will offer Delilah a view of personal growth many do not ever enlist in their own lives. That they can be role models for her. And my Mother, Gamma, Delilah will learn the delicate way of looking at the artistic side of the world, and will not go with out kisses from her Gamma. She will teach her to pay attention to detail, finding beauty in all of natures little things. And my siblings, how may aunties and uncles she has. The goofy, and strong Uncle Matthew, who is so head over heels in love with Delilah it makes my heart melt. And Auntie Tascha and Uncle Joe, I know they will encourage the gift of knowledge and "out of the box" thinking. Auntie Kirsten and Uncle Dustin will be the game players with little Delilah, the cookie givers and the park lovers, and she will always know she is loved by them. And last but not least Auntie Carrie and Uncle Gonzalo. I know they will give my daughter the love to explore the world, to try new things and never be afraid to take off and have an adventure!

And last the gift of her great grandparents, Papa and Grandma North. Not many children are able to have great grandparents around. And right now I think she is more of a gift to them than they are to her, yet. As I watch them watch her, I find my heart happy and sad at the same time. I know that they may not be long for this world, and yet their life experiences are so many that the rich relationship they can provide for Delilah is endless. And I think that the love that comes so late in life is a long of absolute purity and generosity. And that Delilah will never forget.

I think everyday day how much my life means, not just to me, but to another human being. I have the best life I could ever ask for. My Husband and I are so in love and my husband is even more in love with our Daughter, which makes me fall more for him, how silly! And I love the little life that came from me more than words can express, she is the best thing my God could ever give me, she is my blessing every day.